


I Miss You

by CasualWinchester



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Family, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Good Parent Robert Lightwood, Heavy Angst, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Protective Siblings, Sad Alec, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-04 20:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11562762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasualWinchester/pseuds/CasualWinchester
Summary: Alec admits his love to his boyfriend of three years, Magnus Bane. Sadly it goes wrong and sends our favorite Lightwood down a dangerous downward spiral. Will he find love again or will his past lost love with Magnus be the end of him?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Tumblr user-Itsnothinghere who gave me the prompt. 
> 
> If anyone else wants to get in contact here is my Tumblr- https://www.tumblr.com/blog/marvelouswinchester

 

**I miss you.**

**Chapter One:**

Everything had to be perfect and that's the only thing I knew for sure.

Perfect was the only thing Magnus Bane deserved and like hell would I give him anything else. Not when tonight is the night I tell him how much he means to me.

I had been planning this for the best part of a month, ever since his last birthday. When I saw him there, surrounded by all our family and friends, his face glowing in the candlelight, making the highlighter on his face really pop and show off those perfect cheekbones of his.

He looked beautiful... no. He looked angelic.

More than I deserved.

I don't even know how I managed to get a man like him in my life. I must have done something right in a previous life.

Perhaps I accidentally dropped money that someone found and gave to charity and saved a life. Or I helped an old lady across the street before she was crushed by oncoming traffic.

Whatever it was, I was glad that it happened.

Because it left me here, in this moment, days away from my twenty-first birthday, which was our third anniversary. Standing in the living-room of my crappy one bedroomed flat that never felt like home until Magnus was in it.

There were candles everywhere, each of them flickering and sending shadows around the room. I knew that they would bounce off him and the light would caress his skin beautifully. Sending shadows across his face in all the right ways and making his eyes shine brighter than they already did.

The smell of the candles was so strong that it masked the smell of the chicken cooking in the kitchen, although I could still faintly smell the scent of Magnus' favorite spices. Although I can always smell them in this house as they surround Magnus whenever is close by. It really is something I consider to smell and feel like home.

This night was going to be perfect and I couldn't see anything going wrong.

*******************************************************************************

The sound of keys rattling in the door was the first thing that alerted me to Magnus' arrival. No matter what I did, the key would always get stuck in the door and it always alerted me to someone being there before they even stepped in the door.

A moment after rattling of the lock I hear the door crack open and the sound of Magnus' boots, which were easy to hear due to the chains that decorated them.

"Alexander?" Magnus calls out, his voice laced with confusion. He had obviously noticed the candles everywhere, perfect.

I quickly glance over the food to make sure it was all perfectly set out on the table, ready for Magnus and I to eat after I told him what I had to say.

Once I was sure the food was okay, I wipe my hands on a nearby towel before exiting the small kitchen.

I saw Magnus standing by the door, clutching at his phone and looking extremely worried and guilty. "Magnus?" I ask through a smile.

He looks up as I reach him, my arms out to pull him into a hug. "I missed you today," I say into his hair that feels cold from the winter weather outside.

"What is going on?" Magnus asks ad he returns my hug.

There was something wrong about the hug he gave me, it was too stiff compared to the other ones he gave me, but I'm not surprised as it had been happening a lot lately but he had seemed fine.

"I have something to tell you and I wanted to make sure the mood was set for it," I tell him before moving to take off his coat.

I am surprised when Magnus stops me.

"Actually Alexander, I have something to tell you too." Magnus pushes my hands slowly away from his jacket zip and smiles sadly at me. "Shall we sit." He suggests.

I am starting to feel a little worried about what is going on. Is he going to tell me why he had been acting so stiff towards me the past couple of days?

Magnus gently pulls us both toward the couch then sits us down, he had to do most of the work because I am suddenly feeling a little numb inside.

"Magnus, please let me tell you what I have to say." I almost beg as I am suddenly feeling very afraid over what is going on.

"Alec-"

"Please, Magnus... I have to say it." I reach out to touch his cheek but at the last moment, he moves it away.

"It's not a good idea Alec, it's not a good idea because-"

"I love you."

"-I want to break up..."

The words are spoken in a hurry but the process through my head at an agonizingly slow pace. Each word taking what seemed like an eternity to sink in.

"Alec- oh god." Magnus covers his mouth with his hands and watches as I almost sink into myself.

I gulp around the lump in my throat. "Yo-you want to break up?" I whisper, my eyes suddenly finding themselves glued to the floor.

Magnus sighs then reached a hand out to place on my knee but I jerk back quickly, too quickly.

I end up falling into the side table beside the couch, knocking over several candles which clatter to the floor and splatter all over my bare arms.

The scary thing is, I couldn't feel the pain over the pain that is suddenly attacking my heart.

"Alec!" Magnus reaches for me but I shake my head, I didn't want his touch to linger on me, especially now that I won't get to feel it again.

"Oh," I mumble. "It's okay... I'm okay- it's all okay and I understand." I say to him, still not looking him in the eye, those perfect golden green eyes.

I stand up, reaching out with shaking hands to right the table that fell.

"Alec- you are my best-friend, but I just don't see us lasting... I still want you in my life but if we continue this then-" Magnus stops to take a deep breath. "- I don't see us lasting much longer." He explains.

I nod my head numbly. "Yeah. I get it- I do... I'm just being silly haha, of course, I don't love you... I'm just being stupid." I shovel the half melted and destroyed candles back onto the table even though the wax burns at my skin. "We can be friends, yeah- I love you like a friend... I can do that." Once the candles were safely back on the table, I turn to look towards the door.

Any moment now, Magnus was going to walk out of that door and that would be the end of it. This place will no longer be home and I will have lost the best thing I have ever had.

I was so stupid to think that I deserved this life.

It was arrogant of me.

"Yeah, of course, we can Alec." Magnus stands up and fixes his jacket. "We're going to be fine, we've known each other for so long... this was just like a little friend with benefits thing but now we know that we're better as friends."

Pain shoots through me.

It was then followed by a devastating numbness.

Friends with benefits... that's all he saw us as?

He never saw me more than just a fuck buddy whilst I was falling head over heels for him.

"Yeah..." I mumble.

I hear Magnus moving around behind me.

"I brought a box of your stuff over from my place, I could come back another time to collect mine?" Magnus suggests in a relieved voice.

I nod my head, still not looking at him. "Sure," I say to him and then he laughs.

"I thought this would be much worse, thank you for being the best friend I've always needed." Magnus play punches my shoulder but I barely feel it. "I should go, things to do.." Magnus grabs his bag from where he must've dropped it when he came in.

He then doubles back to press a quick kiss to my cheek. "See ya buddy!" He cries then I watch as he walks out of the door.

It was then that I broke down.

I didn't know how long I stood there before falling to my knees and allowing the tears to fall down my cheeks.

Of course this would happen.

I should've known I would lose him and I was so stupid to think that someone as amazing as Magnus would fall for some worthless person like me.

I should've prepared myself for the pain, but I was stupid and believed that Magnus loved me an that we'd be together forever.

I'm so pitiful.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mr--world--wide 
> 
> Please come and chat with me on Tumblr, I love hearing criticism about my work because it makes me a better writer, and I would love to chat with some of you guys :D

 

**I Miss You**

**Chapter Two:**

The faint smell of chicken and burnt out candles still linger around the flat.

The reason for that is, it's been five days since Magnus left and I haven't moved from my bed. The food from that night was still perfectly laid out on the kitchen counter. Each candle is still where I left them, only now they are just a faint puddle of left over wax that wasn't burnt. I still hadn't cleaned up the spilled wax from the floor.

I didn't think I could I could get the will to do it, not when I could barely get myself clean.

I sat in a pair of sweatpants and that's about it. My hair and body hadn't been washed for days and I was beginning to notice the feeling of not being clean, but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I had even begun to grow out my beard, I had never really let it grow before as I wasn't sure if Magnus liked it that way or not, not like how I liked him with facial hair.

There was no point shaving now... Magnus wasn't here for it to be a problem. Maybe I'll like it grown in, it might make me feel like a different person and right now I would kill for the chance to be someone else.

I hate being stuck in this worthless body.

I hate being myself because all it does it push people away or just disgusts them.

That's probably one of the many reasons Magnus decided to leave me.

Another one of those reasons is that I'm apparently so stupidly weak. I couldn't even handle the fact that Magnus had left me, even though it is almost selfish of me to be sad. It's selfish that I expected someone like him to stay with me.

Should I just get on with my life right? It's what I deserve. I shouldn't be allowed the time to wallow in self-pity, making Magnus look like the bad guy when he is the furthest thing from a bad guy.

He is actually amazing, he actually gave me a chance and that is something I should be happy with.

But even all of these thoughts can't seem to shake me from the pit I have fallen into.

I know it won't last for much longer and at some point today my sister will be storming into the house to get me ready for tonight. For my stupid twenty-first birthday party.

The day that should have been my third anniversary with Magnus.

*********************************************************************

I was right about Isabelle coming over to chase me into getting ready.

Lucky for me though she decided that she was going to call ahead, to make sure I was decent... which I was not.

It somehow gave me the motivation to push myself out of bed, even though I could hardly feel myself do it as I was so numb that I felt like I was floating.

The first thing I did was clean up all the dirty dishes from the kitchen, hardly even looking at it as I scraped everything, including the plates and cutlery into the bin. I didn't even want them as a reminder of what happened. I would get rid of everything in the flat if it meant that I didn't have any reminder of what happened that night.

I was almost tempted to burn the box of stuff Magnus had brought over from his flat, it just made everything seem so final and it hurt more than anything to see it sitting there.

I knew burning it would not be the best thing to do as it probably had some important stuff in there. So my next choice was picking it up and stuffing it in the closet that was already filled with all my old High School and College stuff that I no longer needed. I placed it right behind all of my old football stuff as I knew I wasn't likely to touch any of that in a long time and perhaps it would help me to forget that it was there in the first place.

I then proceeded to do something weird, as if the box could move on its own, I locked the door to make sure it would never get out of the closet.

I stand back once the door was securely locked up. I stare at the door that holds basically all the memories I have ever had with Magnus Bane.

Each thing I collected and kept in there was from the times I was with him, even the football stuff there reminded me of the time when I first met Magnus.

He was a year older than me in High School and was the head cheerleader, even though some people around the school were not happy about that, Magnus just did not care.

He loved being a cheerleader and anyone that looked hard enough could see just how passionate he was about it. I always found it inspiring when I saw him out on the field, helping the other members of the squad get the moves just right.

I remember that being the time that I was still not out to anyone bar my sister and brothers.

Isabelle was the most supportive about it and was always trying to get me to come out so she could help me find a boyfriend. Imagine how happy she was when I started to turn up to her rehearsals more than usual, with the vague excuse of just wanting to spend some time with my baby sister.

She knew better though because she could see me paying way more attention towards Magnus than her. Which makes sense I guess, and I don't know how no one else noticed how much attention I focused on the boy.

It all came together when I turned seventeen and I became the captain of the football team. I guess I was easy to overlook when I was just Isabelle's big brother who creepily stalked around when the cheerleaders were practicing.

But straight after my first game, I had the one Magnus Bane coming up to talk to me. He was even surprised to find that I was Isabelle's brother, even though I am sure Isabelle had introduced me to the whole squad at one point.

I didn't think much of that at the time because I was just over the moon that Magnus had actually taken the time to talk to me. I didn't think I was anything special, captain, of the team or not.

It was even better when he started to flirt with me. I actually remember him saying something along the lines of "Have you ever considered that I'm now the head cheerleader and you are the captain of the football team, call me and let's become the cliché."

Thinking back on it, I can see how bad a pickup line it was but at the time it had seemed as if my world had stopped spinning and all I could do was smile like an idiot and stumble through my words as I offered my number.

After that night though, we became fast friends and we hardly spent any time away from each other. He would come to my football practices and I would visit him and Isabelle when they were cheering. We went out for meals and he loved to come over to mine and cuddle whilst we watched films. He even tried to introduce me to his party lifestyle, but I wasn't very good with it as it made me too panicky and anxious.

He seemed to understand and never pressured me into going out with him. He was more than happy to just spend time with me.

But despite how close we were then, we didn't become boyfriend's until we were nineteen and we just finished our first year at college.

I don't know how it didn't happen earlier, especially when we were sharing a dorm room. That year led to a lot of jealousy floating around the place as both Magnus and I had people over.

At that point though Magnus didn't know that I hadn't done anything with any of the people, I brought to the dorm. Part of me wanted to try something with these nice people but another side of me, the part that had always known I felt something for Magnus, didn't want me to just throw away those special things when I could wait just a little longer and see how things would go with the man himself.

I was so glad that I did end up waiting on him because not even three days after finishing our first year, we were falling into bed together.

I don't even know how it happened, one moment we were just packing up our room for summer then the next moment later we were half naked on my bed.

We spent that night together but after that, we sat down and had a long talk about how we felt for each other and it was then that we decided that we were going to take things slow. We didn't want to move too fast and ruin it because that could ruin the friendship we had, if we went slow and found out things weren't going the way we thought, it would be easy to go back to being friends.

I guess that's what happened now.

Only, I didn't think that the relationship wasn't working. I believed that we were finally moving on with it all and we were heading for good things.

I guess not.

With that thought I shove all the old memories out of my head, but I find it hard as the memories of all the times we had, seem to want to stay, to try and remind me that no matter what had happened, I was still going to love Magnus for a long time and there was no point trying to hide that fact.

Suddenly, with a loud and pained cry, I lash out.

I ignore the throbbing in my hand as I punch the closet door over and over again until blood is staining both my hand and the door. There was also a large dent in the door from where my fist hit it, it was almost hard enough to leave a hole in the wood.

I give in to the stinging behind my eyes, letting the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

My heart and stomach had started to feel like they were swelling up inside me and I could feel my breath coming out in hard pants. My throat had also started to close up making breathing almost painful.

How could I live now? I don't even know how to live without Magnus with me.

Oh god, what if he finds someone else! How will I be able to walk around, seeing him in love, trying to be okay with it, even when my heart is breaking inside my chest?

I fall to my knees on the floor, the tears and sobs are becoming much worse now and because of the added problem of my crying, it's making the need to breathe even worse.

I can't though.

I can't breathe and my vision is beginning to black out.

I have no idea how I am going to manage this tonight.

What's even worse is that I know he is going to be there. We had agreed to be friends and friends go to each others birthdays, especially birthday's like this. There was no way he was going to miss my twenty-first birthday, in-fact, he was probably the one to help Isabelle plan it.

I know how much he loved a party.

The word love was almost enough to crush me, keep me grounded to the floor whilst I cried out all the pain I had allowed to build up for the past five days.

Only the sound of someone knocking on my door that brings me back to the current situation.

It was Isabelle, I could tell by the way she knocked on the door.

I couldn't let her see me like this. I couldn't let her see me so weak and disgusting. I know how much she loves Magnus and I know it would break her heart too if she had to stop talking to Magnus only because I was too weak to get over myself.

I wipe the tears from my eyes, whilst scrambling up towards the bathroom door. I duck into it too quickly turn on the shower, hoping that it would steam up fast enough to make it seem like I had been in there for a while.

"DOOR'S OPEN ISABELLE," I call through the flat before jumping into the bathroom and splashing myself with water, also sticking my head under the water until it's wet.

"Alec?" Isabelle knocks on the bathroom door. "Are you okay? I just got off the phone to Magnus." I let my head drop before pushing my pain away for a moment and sticking part of my body out of the door.

"Huh? oh yeah, Magnus." I chuckle. "I'm fine about it why?" I ask her, seeming to take her by surprise.

She looks me up and down. "Are you sure, I know how much he means to you." She asks then reaches a hand out to touch my face. "Since when did you decide to grow this? It's a little shabby." She tells me.

I tut before shoving her hand away. "I know how it looks, I just haven't shaved in a while because I finally got around to binge watching game of thrones," I tell her and that seems to do the trick.

There was an understanding smile on her face. "Ah, so that's why I haven't heard from you in a while." She laughs. "Don't shave it off, it suits you and it's always good to try something new after a breakup." She informs me. "Now, hurry up and shower."

She turns away and begins a task of cleaning up the apartment.

I do as I am told.

*************************************************************************

The first thing I notice when Isabelle and I arrive at our parent's house, is that Magnus' car is in the driveway.

It's enough to make my heart fall into my stomach.

It's not like I didn't know he was going to be there. I knew it but I still wasn't prepared to see him, especially not after what happened a little while ago. I was feeling a little emotionally unstable.

"Ready for your party big bro?" Isabelle asks, nudging me with her elbow as she stops the car and moves to get out.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I mumble.

I'm not looking forward to this night at all. I'm not the biggest fan of parties, so going to one when I am feeling this bad is probably not the best thing for me to be doing.

The only upside about this is that I am finally old enough to drink, and even though I am not a big fan of it, I think it will be the only thing getting me through tonight.

"Don't worry Alec, I know how you can be about parties, especially ones with so much family coming around. We decided if it get's too much for you then we will sneak away early and take you to this new club Magnus loves. It's called Pandemonium." Isabelle looks beside herself with excitement at the idea of going to this club.

I don't know why they thought to take me away from a party filled with people I know, only to take me somewhere filled with even more people I don't know, would be the best thing for me. I just hope that when they do take me away, I'll be drunk enough to get through it without having another break down at the close proximity I will be in with Magnus.

"Great." I deadpan before getting out of the car and stalking towards the door, Isabelle following close behind me. I barely even pay her any attention as I head towards the door, knowing fine well that there will be the sweet emotional release of alcohol in there.

As soon as I open the door, I am swept into a hug by a small but strong red head.

"ALEC! HAPPY BIRTHD- oh my god you have a beard?" Clary hardly get's her sentence out before she was pulling back out of the hug to look me over. "You look hot, and that's coming from a friend." She tells me then glances around to make sure that her boyfriend (aka my brother Jace) was not around to hear her say that.

Isabelle laughs from behind us.

"Don't worry Clary, I think Jace is out back with Camille." Isabelle rolls her eyes. "Those two are getting on like a house on fire," Isabelle says to me like I was supposed to know what she was talking about.

I glance at her, one eyebrow raised. "Am I supposed to know who that is?" I say to her and in an instant both Clary and Isabelle's faces fall, making them look a little worried.

"I thought you were going to tell him before he got here." Clary snaps at Isabelle who now looks a mix of worried and guilty over something.

I turn to face my sister, wanting to know what it was that I was supposed to know. "I kind of forgot to tell you because I was so worried that you would be messed up about the whole thing with Magnus... but then you seemed fine and it kind of went out of my mind.

Clary puts a small hand on my arm. "Camille, she- we met her a couple of days ago when Magnus came to tell us all about the breakup. Magnus told us that you both agreed that you were better off being friends and that he wanted to- uh... introduce us to his new girlfriend Camille."

The feeling of water being clogged in your ears is the only thing that stops me from hearing anything else that Clary had to say. I could tell she was apologizing, but I wasn't too sure exactly what she was saying.

Her hand comes up to touch my face softly, her face was sad.

The touch of her hand seems to wake me up enough to bring my false happy mood back.

"Wow, that's good for him," I say and it seems to take Clary back.

"You'll really like her Alec, and she knows all about your relationship with Magnus so she won't come on too strong, she just wants to be friends because she knows how much you mean to Magnus.

Clary sends Isabelle a disbelieving look as if she couldn't believe that Isabelle couldn't see right through me and see how much pain I really am in.

"Great... I can't wait to meet her." I say almost through my teeth. I hoped Isabelle would hear the tone in my voice and understand that I would rather do anything else right now, I would rather run down the street naked than speak to this girl that stole Magnus', heart.

Clary takes my hand then, she could so tell that I didn't want this, I just hoped she didn't say anything because the last thing I needed was to make a big deal out of this only because I couldn't be man enough or be the friend Magnus needed me to be. He was the one that needed me, I was the one who made him be in a relationship with me, dragging him down to my level when he deserved so much better.

I need to get over myself now, he wants me to meet his girlfriend.

That's what I'll do.

Isabelle claps her hand once. "Great! I'll go tell them you are here. Go speak to Mom and Dad just now, they are so excited to see you." Isabelle leans up to kiss my cheek then she skips off towards the back doors.

As soon as she was gone, Clary turns me around to face her. "Why are you lying? anyone paying attention can see how unhappy you are." Clary lets go of my hand in order to cross her arms over her chest.

I shake my head, also leaning in closer to her. "Look, sure I'm hurting but Magnus needs me so I just have to get over it," I say to her.

Her eyes widen and an unhappy frown appears on her face, making her look angry. "Alexander Lightwood. Are you going back to your stupid ways of hiding how you really feel in order to make others happy." Clary almost growls.

I step back from her slightly because she might be small, but I know how scary she could be when she was angry.

Once I was at a safe distance from her, I answer. "I'm not doing that. I just know that I am going to get over my silly feelings for Magnus soon enough, and I know that I don't want to lose Magnus from my life and if I act like a heartbroken puppy then that's what will happen." I say to her, matching her stance so we're on equal ground. "Just please don't say anything. I can handle myself." I beg her, letting my confidence fall slightly.

Clary glares at me for a moment before her shoulders sag. "Fine. I won't tell... as long as you talk to me." She bargains. Her face was defiant and I knew she wasn't going to back down, no matter how much I argued.

I groan, "fine! I'll talk to you about everything... just not now, it's already going to be hard enough trying to get through this night as it is." I let my head fall forward in defeat.

Clary steps forward until my head rests on her shoulder, her arms coming up to circle my waist, pulling me into a tight hug. "Don't worry, give me the word and I'll get you out of here and we can go get drunk." Clary pats my hair down. "How does that sound?"

I snort, "It would sound even better if the drinking option started now." I say and it makes her laugh slightly. "Please tell me my brother brought alcohol," I say into her shoulder, almost ready to turn and walk out to buy some if Jace had failed to bring the only thing I needed at this party.

"Don't worry, it was the only thing he contributed towards the party planning," Clary informs me and suddenly the night is starting to look up. "But I mean it Alec, if you want to leave then we will go... as much as I love Magnus, I don't think it was right for him to bring Camille here." She sounds angry now and I immediately regret telling her because I know how close Clary is to Magnus and I don't want to ruin what they have.

I want to tell her that I didn't want her to be mad, that it was okay that Magnus wanted to bring his new girlfriend to the party, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is pitiful, "I told him I loved him."

Clary is suddenly pulling back, forcing me to look up at her in surprise.

"And he brought her here! to your birthday party and the anniversary-" Her face goes as red as her hair and her eyes turn a darker shade of green for a moment. "What the hell is wrong with him- he can't do that to you without saying anything." Clary's hands ball into fists and I swear if it were a cartoon, she would have steam coming out of her ears.

"He was probably just busy," I say, making her eyes dart to me angrily. "Why are you defending him?" She hisses at me. "You should be kicking him out for even trying to come near your home on your birthday-" Clary cuts off abruptly when someone approaches us from the side.

"Alec! happy birthday, sweetheart!" It was Mom.

I turn just in time for her to engulf me in a motherly hug, the kind of hug that makes me feel better right up until she lets go of me. "Oh! this is new, it suits you. She pats the side of my cheek.

I blush at the comment. No matter how many times I have been commented in my life (mostly by Magnus) I will never get used to it.

"Thanks, I needed a change," I say to her before giving her another quick hug. "Where's dad?" I ask before linking my arm with hers.

Mom begins to talk my ear off but I am busy shooting a look behind her to Clary who is still glaring but I can tell she is trying to calm herself down.

When I turn back around I see a whole room full of people. I could see Jace and Aline standing by the drinks, already getting a head start on getting drunk. After seeing Dad, I am making my way right over to them.

"Son." I turn around to see that Mom had led us right to Dad, who was staring at me and holding out a glass of what looks like whiskey.

That's such a dad thing to do. And I knew he was going to do it because for months he had been telling me how excited he was to share my first legal drink with him.

I hate that he chose whiskey to be said drink, but I didn't want to let him down, especially when he had been looking forward to this for so long. "You really are a man now." He laughs as I take my drink from his hand. "You have the facial hair to prove it." I give a shy smile, I really wasn't expecting everyone to make a comment on the beard. Was it that big of a deal.

"Thanks, Dad," I say because I was unsure of how I was supposed to reply to that.  
  
He holds up his glass for me to tap it against his. "Happy birthday my boy." He bellows as we cheer then knock back the drink.

I wanted to spit it out as soon as it reached my tongue, but I kept it down because this was the first step of getting drunk. Even though I didn't like what I was drinking, It was best if I just got it over with because after a couple of drinks I would no longer be able to feel it.

"Jeeze who are you and what have you done with my brother!" Arm slings over my shoulder, almost knocking my glass out of my hand.

"Jace! be careful." Mom scolds, but it had no heat to it because I can see her smiling.

"What? I'm just excited to see my stick in the mud brother having a good time." Jace defends and I know it was all in good spirit but the comment sends a spike of pain through me.

If Jace thought I was no fun, then for sure Magnus thought that too.

"Drink with us." Jace suddenly yanks me away from Mom and Dad, over to where Aline is standing, holding out a drink in each hand.

I am worried for a split second about drinking something that Aline made, she was notorious for making the strongest drinks. Then I remember that the whole purpose of this night was to get drunk.

So without even saying anything to her, I am grabbing both of the drinks, even though I know one is meant for Jace. Then I am drinking them both one by one.

"Woah, slow down Alec." Aline gasps. "That's going to go right to your head, you know what you are like when you drink." I ignore her warning as I push past her and Jace to get to the table that is littered with different types of alcohol, including a whole tray of shots that seem to be calling my name.

"That's the whole point. It's my birthday and my an-" I cut myself off quickly. "It's my birthday. I deserve to get drunk." I say before knocking back two shots one after the other.

I see Jace and Aline send a quick worried look at each other before they both shrug. "Well, you shouldn't drink alone, To Alec!" Jace cheers before handing out a shot to each of us.

By this point, I was already beginning to feel the effects. I'm such a lightweight when I'm not trying so I doubt it's going to be long until I'm drunk.

Jace is handing me another shot when I feel someone tap my shoulder.

I turn around to see a petite girl standing there, I couldn't even tell you who she was.

Before the girl even has anything to say to me, Clary had appeared by my side, handing me a large glass of something. I give her a shocked look, but judging by the look on her face, I was going to need it.

"Hi Clary, and hello, I'm guessing you are Alec?" The girl holds out her small hand for me to shake, which I do without really thinking about it. "Magnus has told me so much about you." She says in an almost too sweet voice.

Shit.

My hand tightens around the glass in my hand and I have a sudden urge to down all the liquid inside it.

This was Camille.

Everything suddenly all made sense now. I could see why Magnus would want to be with her over me and I don't even have to be straight to see it.

She was beautiful and clean and soft in all the right places. Everything that I wasn't and everything I always knew Magnus deserved. She was ten times better than me already and she had only said six words to me.

"Oh, y-yeah Magnus." I give her a tense smile before taking a large gulp from my glass.

"Yeah, he's so thankful to have a... friend like you." A black hole suddenly forms in my stomach and I could feel it slowly sucking my heart out of my chest and into it.

Friends.

That word alone almost sent me running for the door. How the hell was I going to be able to face-

"My my Alec, I see you have made some changes since the last time we saw each other."

The glass almost falls from my hand at the sound of his voice.

"Magnus! baby, I was just talking about you." Camille drapes herself over Magnus as soon as he was in reaching distance. "You didn't tell me he was so hot... worried I would leave you for him." Camille sends me a private smirk that makes me want to slap her across the face.

She knew everything and she was making sure to stake her claim.

Magnus just laughs at her comment. "Oh I'm not worried about that darling, Alec doesn't swing that way." Magnus sends me a smile but I don't return it, I hardly even look at him because it is just on the side of being unbearable.

"Well, it looks like I chose the right friend then." Camille purrs then before I could even prepare myself, she was leaning over and pressing a kiss to his lips.

And to my horror, he kisses her back.

"Well, I'm sure Alec was just thrilled to meet you Camille but he has other people to see. Goodbye Magnus." Clary says stiffly as if she was silently fuming, and she probably was.

Magnus pulls back quickly just as we're turning to leave.

He suddenly grabs hold of my arm. "Hey, can we all go out for lunch... I haven't seen you since- in a while and I miss my best friend." Magnus asks, motioning to Camille when he mentioned the word 'we'.

I couldn't bear his touch, so without making it too obvious, I jerk my hand back, acting as if It was just a drunken stumble. "I don't think that's a good idea... I wouldn't want to intrude." Clary's hand tightens on my arm when she hears the break in my voice.

Camille just laughs. "Oh don't worry, you wouldn't be intruding. I want to get to know you, as you so obviously mean something great to Maggie- well not as much as me but I'm his girlfriend so..." She giggles and I swear I hear Clary growl silently.

"...Sure." I mumble before drinking the rest of the liquid in the glass. Everyone watches me do it in shock.

"I thought you hated to drink..." Magnus watches in awe.

I place the glass down onto the table, only noticing then that Jace and Aline were still there watching us.

"There's been a lot of changes in my life... so I figured why not give drinking a try." I take hold of Clary's hand. "I'll see you later Magnus," I say through a large lump in my throat.

I turn away quickly from the happy couple, walking away from them with quick steps.

Clary clings onto my hand as I lead her into the (thankfully) empty kitchen. I think the place was just being used as a storage space more than anything else as there were extra food and drinks lying around and a whole lot of dishes next to the sink.

"Are you okay? you handled that so well." Clary immediately pulls me into a hug once we were hidden from everyone in the party.

I didn't answer her verbally.

Instead, I did something that took us both by surprise. I burst into tears.

"How could he- I love him, Clary," I whisper into her neck, tears falling down my cheeks and probably staining the pretty dress she had on right now. She didn't seem to care about the dress but I still felt bad about it. "H-he doesn't- oh god I'm so pathetic."

Clary holds me closer, stroking the length of my back to try and calm me down. "Shh, Alec you are not pathetic, you just had your heart broken then flaunted in your face... I swear Camille wasn't like that we first met her, we shouldn't have allowed her to come here." Clary sounds a mix of angry and sad.

"No- it was better for me to see that... I always knew that he would end up with someone better than me. I just never really wanted to think about it because the more I put it out of my mind, the more I could pretend like Magnus actually wanted me... it just hurts to see that I was wrong, he never wanted me because I'm pathetic and useless and nothing like Camille-"

"Alexander Lightwood." Clary's tone is sharp and I feel her small hand slap me upside the head. "I never want to hear you speak about yourself that way again... do you hear me?" She presses.

I know she knows that no matter what I promise her, I will still be thinking all these bad thoughts about myself, they were never going to go away because I knew how true they were.

"I won't." The words are mumbled against her shoulder but she still hears them.

She gives me one last squeeze before letting me go. "Good, now I am going to talk to your Mom and say that you are not feeling too good and then we are skipping out of here before any one notices we're gone." Clary pats my cheek.

"But I literally just got here," I say, slightly confused.

Clary just smiles. "And you have seen all the people you care about... we need to take your mind off this and I think your Mom will agree." Clary then proceeds to shrug. "And hey, most people here are surprised you turned up for this long anyway, we all know how much you hate parties." Clary winks at me then ducks out of the room, leaving me standing alone.

I take one look around the room before spotting the fridge.

Just for something to do, I wander over to it to see what is inside, and in there I find another tray of shots, waiting to replace the other tray when it got empty.

Must be my lucky day.

I take two shots from the tray, drinking them both quickly as if they were the antidote to my poison feelings. I then manage to take three more before Clary is back, wearing her jacket and holding onto her purse. "I may have to use a fake ID, so just go along with it," Clary warns me as she heads to the back door. "Also it's probably best if we go out the back before someone sees and decides to join us." She motions for me to head out first.

I send one last look through the door as if I was trying to get one last look at Magnus, but I only see Isabelle and her girlfriend Camille taking shots with each other.

I then make my way out into the back garden, with Clary following behind me.

*********************************************************************************

After a quick cab ride, we end up at the club I remember Isabelle mentioning a little while ago. It was packed full of people, even on the outside and it looked like the majority of them were already drunk.

I knew I would soon be exactly like them.

I look at Clary to see her pulling out her purse.

"Hey I can-" I go to reach for my wallet, only to have her stop me.

"Nope, it's your birthday and I just got paid, so tonight is my getting over Magnus treat." She hands over the correct money to the man and orders him to keep the change.

I feel guilty for allowing her to pay the whole thing but I know that it would be best to just not argue so I follow Clary out of the cab. She links her arm with mine as we head over to the line.

Which by now was very short as everyone had already been allowed in or is too drunk to know where the line is.

Clary tightens her grip on me as she pulls out her fake ID at the same time as I pull out my real one.

The security guard just yawns and gives us a tired look over before motioning with his hand for us to enter. He didn't even look like he cares all too much as he didn't bother to check the Id in our hands.

"Well, that was easier than expected," Clary mumbles to me whilst we head towards the small cloakroom booth so she could hand her jacket in.

"I don't think even cared," I reply as I watch her get a receipt for her jacket.

"Good, that means that we don't have to worry about anything! all we are going to do is get drunk and forget all of our relationship problems." Clary cheers.

I, however, am suddenly concerned. "Wait... are you having problems with Jace?" I ask her, worried for the sake of both her and my brother.

Clary just shrugs and waves me away. "Just the usual relationship stuff and the usual... Jace stuff." Clary leads us over to the bar where we both take a seat so we could order drinks.

I laugh loudly at her comment. "Oh, I understand more than most when it comes to Jace stuff." And that was the truth. I was the one that had to share a room with him ever since he was adopted at the age of ten. I was so glad when I moved out because I was able to get my own space. It also helped when having a boyfriend because I imagine sharing a room with Jace whilst also trying to have alone time with Magnus, wouldn't have worked out too well.

"Oh, god you had to deal with it for longer than I, how did you ever make it through." She jokes before flagging down the bartender who was busy flirting with two guys over in the corner.

I smile sadly at her. "Because no matter what, he is my brother and I love him," I say before looking at the small menu stuck o the bar counter, trying to decide what I wanted to drown my sorrows with.

I briefly hear Clary whisper me too before I shut the noise out, I didn't want to hear the word love right now because it's just a reminder of what I could've had.

Suddenly Clary is nudging me with her elbow.

"That guy is checking you out... shit, he is hot." I look up to see who Clary was talking about.

I follow her gaze until my eyes land on a tall and buff man, who was even bigger than me, which is surreal. His weight is also twice the size of mine of just muscle. His eyes are a deep blue that is nothing compared to Magnus' eyes.

The man noticed me looking at him, and for some reason, he thought that was justification for coming over and speaking to me.

Clary just giggles and slides her chair over slightly so the man could stand in between us as if he was trying to show off his masculinity.

"Hey, I love the beard." The guy leans against the counter, looking me up and down as if he wanted to eat me.

It made me feel uncomfortable but I push that aside as I watch Clary give me two thumbs up for encouragement.

"Thanks, I uh- not sure how I feel about it yet," I answer honestly.

The guy laughs at the flustered tone I had. "Sorry, that was weird of me to come up and say, I was just trying to think of a way to come and talk to you... I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look like you could use a drink." He laughs and for some reason, I couldn't help but smile back at him.

Clary grins widely when she sees me actually giving the guy a chance.

I ignore her though as I answer, "believe me that's the plan." I say and it makes the man laugh in return.

"Would you allow me to buy you a drink? I find you fascinating... sorry if that is too forward." He looks worried for a moment.

I just give him a nervous smile. "Sure, I would like that... but Clary-" I look around the man to see Clary on her phone.

She looks up when I say her name. "Oh, don't worry about me, I have to deal with your brother and sister who are mad because I took you on your birthday night out without them." She jumps down from the stool. "You have fun, I'll go deal with them." She leans around the man to kiss my cheek before darting off into the crowd.

"She's a little fireball isn't she." The man comments as he watches Clary's shocking red hair disappear through the crowds.

"You don't know the half of it," I reply before turning to look at him again. "My name is Alec by the way," I say because all of a sudden I remembered that I hadn't told him my name.

The guy seemed to realize the same thing. "Oh gosh, I'm sorry I forgot to say. Hi Alec, I'm Noah." He tells me.

And that, as they say, was history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mr--world--wide 
> 
> Please come and chat with me on tumblr, I love hearing criticism about my work because it makes me a better writer, and I would love to chat with some of you guys :D


	3. Chapter Three

 

**I Miss You**

**Chapter Three:**

Noah was everything I could've asked for this past three weeks since I first met him. He was sweet and caring, was always turning up out of the blue to spend time with me, trying to get closer and understanding that it was going to be hard for me to get close for a while.

He knew I was going through a break-up, but he didn't know that it was with Magnus as I didn't have it in me to tell him because I knew that at some point soon he was going to meet Magnus and I didn't want it to be weird.

I didn't want to ruin this when it was going so well, even though part of me knew I should probably end it before I get too invested like I did with Magnus. Noah deserved someone better than me, just like Magnus did and yet here I was, repeating the same selfish mistakes I made with Magnus.

Why did I have this nasty habit of pulling people down to my level, especially when they deserved so much more?

For some reason though, it didn't stop Noah from stopping around the flat to surprise me.

And that includes right now.

I had just opened the door to see him smiling down at me. Once again taking me off guard by his size. It was not often that I found someone that was taller than me.

"Hey babe, thought I'd check in and see how you were doing." He leans down to kiss my forehead possessively.

I just chuckle at his words, before leaning forward to hug him tightly, craving the attention and affection that I was used to with Magnus.

Noah holds me close and pats my head. "I got you, babe." He says then leads us to the sofa. "Perhaps I should come over more often if you are going to be this clingy when I saw you just yesterday." He jokes but the comment makes me sting slightly. Was I too clingy? was that another reason on the long list of why Magnus broke up with me.

"Sorry," I mumble before pulling back to look at him. "I just miss you," I explain.

He just smiles and rests a hand on my thigh. "Of course you do." He rubs a circle into my leg. "Now... what shall we get up to today?" He asks.

It seems like a completely innocent question, but the way he moves his hand up my leg tells a different story. I'm suddenly panicking because I don't think I am ready to be this intimate with someone so soon. I've told him this so many times but he always tries to change my mind.

"Noah, please-"

*buzz*

I jump back when I hear the sound of my phone. I send Noah an apologetic look before moving to grab my phone from where it was resting on the table. Noah sighs in annoyance before leaning back against the sofa and closing his eyes, looking as if he was trying to calm himself down.

I wonder what his problem is.

I ignore that for the moment, looking down to check who had messaged me.

When I see who it was, it makes my stomach do a weird flip inside of me.

Magnus.

"Alec, I was wondering if you wanted to take me up on my idea of lunch with Camille and me?"

I read the message over a couple of times before turning to look at Noah. "Have you eaten?" I ask him, making him open his eyes and turn to look at me in confusion. "My f-friend Magnus invited us to lunch with him and his... girlfriend." I turn to look away as I say the word girlfriend so Noah couldn't see how much it pained me to say it.

I open the message from Magnus again, ready to answer him. "I could eat." Noah almost snaps back at me, taking me a little off guard but I try not to pay too much attention to it.

I smile brightly at him before sending a quick reply to Magnus. "Okay. You pick the place and I will be bringing someone with me."

Noah seems to be calmer now that I have placed my phone down, not really needing to check where Magnus wants to eat as I know him well enough to guess.

"So, what is this friend like?" Noah asks as I take a seat next to him again.

I freeze slightly.

How the hell am I supposed to describe Magnus to him? It would come off too personal and he will know for sure that I still had feelings for the man. "He's very... extra?" I say in a way of explanation. "But that's what makes him... him and once you get to know him, he is very protective and cares very quickly," I say to him, hoping that it didn't make it seem too obvious that I love the man.

At least I didn't go into a full five-minute conversation on just his eyes alone.

Noah nods his head slowly, his eyes were suddenly hard for a moment then he looks down at our hands, using them to pull me closer to him. "So you've known him for a while?" He asks.

I try to hide my nervousness as I answer him. "Since high school, we met through my sister Isabelle," I tell him and a strange look passes his face as if he was thinking of something disgusting.

After a moment, the look is gone and he focuses all of the attention on me. "You dated, didn't you?" He asks sharply. The tone of his voice makes me flinch slightly as it reminds me of the times when Mom and Dad didn't agree with me being gay. They soon got over it and learn to love Magnus, but they were a little mean about it in the beginning and for some reason, Noah reminds me of them, even though that doesn't make sense as he is gay too.

I look down at the space between us, taking a moment to consider telling him that yes we did, and the wound was still rather fresh so I didn't want to talk about it. Then I remember the look on his face and a part of me were suddenly worried to tell him so soon into whatever we have going on here.

I look back up at him. "No. We didn't date, we all thought he liked my sister... that's why we are so close." I lie quickly, and almost instantly, I am feeling bad for doing it.

Noah's eyes stare straight into mine, trying to decide whether he believed me or not. My face couldn't really portray a lie because not all of it is. At certain points in our friendship, I thought that he would like to date Isabelle. But then when we started dating, it was clear that they were just really close friends.

Noah seemed to come to a conclusion that I was telling the truth because a moment later his face softens and he reaches out to press a hand to my face. "Okay. I believe you." He states. "Why wouldn't I believe you. Why would you like someone else when you have me." There is a sly smirk on Noah's face that makes me feel slightly uneasy.

I don't know what it was about him today that was making me feel this way.

Oh well.

"Of course..." I say because really I should be glad someone like him is actually giving me the time. It was selfish for me to have lied to him so I should do everything else I could to make it up to him. "I'll let him know, you're good with Italian right?" I ask as I move from the sofa to grab my phone.

Noah watches me go, the sly smirk still on his face as he watches me go.

Absolutely.

***********************************************************************************

My hands shook the entire time it took for us to walk to the Italian restaurant that had become Magnus and I's favourite over the years we were together.

I remember exactly how found it.

It was a week after a pretty bad dinner date, at a restaurant Magnus had suggested. It was supposed to be this amazing Italian place with real authentic food, but when we got there and our food was served we found out that all the food was half frozen and soggy as if it had been cooked in a microwave.

Magnus had felt bad for taking me there so we spent the next week stopping by many Italian places trying to find one we liked, then we came across the one we were currently heading too and that was that.

I couldn't tell you how many times we went there, but it was enough for all the staff to know us by name and always knew our order without us even asking. I remember that one time we went there for Magnus's birthday and they surprised us straight away with cake, we had only just sat down in our seats when they brought it out.

It was one of my favorite places on earth.

I just didn't know that the last time I was there would be the last time I was there with Magnus.

If I had known, I would've made it count so much more.

"I take it you know this place well," Noah asks, breaking the silence that had grown between us ever since we left the flat.

I turn to look at him in surprise, not really expecting him to have spoken. "Oh, yeah. We're quite close with the owners." I tell him, trying to not make it obvious why we know them so well since he looked so angry when he thought that I had dated Magnus before...true or not.

"Why go there so often? don't you want to try new places?" Noah scoffed as if I was inferior because I went here more than once.

I shrug, trying to look past how rude he was being to me. "It's the only place that sells decent and freshly made Italian food, that I know of anyway and Italian is my weakness." I joke, but I am met with silence and a judging stare.

It's almost two whole minutes before he answers me. "Well, it looks like we will be going somewhere else for our next date." He says it more like a statement rather than a question.

I feel my face fall into a frown. I didn't want to find somewhere new, I loved this place and it reminded me of all the good times I had with Magnus... why would I want to change that? not when the people here have treated me so well. Even my family enjoyed this place.

"Oh," I say as I try to get my words right, wanting to tell him that I didn't want to find somewhere new. "But I really do like this-"

"I wasn't looking for an argument Alec, you are lucky I am giving you the time to even try this place, given your taste it's probably disgusting." Noah suddenly snaps.

I stumble on my feet when I hear the harsh tone of his voice.

"Noah-"

"Sorry." He mumbles, which was such a sudden change from the last way he spoke to me. "I just didn't get much sleep tonight." He explains.

He doesn't give me any more than that, and I don't even have the time to say anything to him before someone is calling my name.

"Alec!" A sudden blur of red hair barrels into me, almost knocking me off my feet.

Clary.

As soon as I know that it is her, I am throwing my arms around her and hugging her back. "Clary! What are you doing here?" I ask, looking at her to see that Jace was also here, and he was standing outside the restaurant with Camille. I wonder where Magnus is.

"I heard that Magnus invited you to that "getting to know Camille better" lunch and I decided that I would tag along, I wanted to spend some time with my friend." She pulls back to look me in the eye. I see a knowing glare in them as if she were saying, I know you have found someone but I know you well enough to know that you are not over Magnus and I am here for support.

I had never felt more grateful.

"Hey, Clary," Noah says to the girl, making Clary turn to look at him with an untrusting smile on her face. I don't know what her problem is with Noah, but for some reason, she didn't seem all too fond of him.

She acts polite though. "Noah, it's so good to see you again." Clary smiles brightly at him, but I could see that it doesn't reach her eyes and I'm pretty sure Noah could also.

"Same to you, when are we eating," Noah answers her bluntly, making Clary glare a little harder before composing herself enough to answer him.

"Magnus is inside now, keeping our table for us whilst Camille waited for us to arrive," Clary explains then reaches for my hand. I take it and allow her to lead Noah and me over to Camille and Jace.

Jace yanks me into a hug the moment he sees me. "Hey big bro, feels like I haven't seen you in so long- who's this?" Jace turns to smile at Noah, who returns the smile before holding a hand out to Jace.

"Hi, my name is Noah and I'm your brother's boyfriend," Noah explains.

Jace looks at me in surprise before shaking Noah's hand. "Oh, Alec hasn't mentioned you before... how long have you been together?" Jace asks Noah with a kind smile.

Noah's face turns hard all of a sudden and I am suddenly afraid that he is mad that I haven't mentioned him yet. As if we haven't only been together for about 4 days and this was actually the first time he had called me his boyfriend like this.

"A little while, it's all new but I'm so glad to be meeting someone from his family... if you don't mind me saying, why is it that you do not share any likeness?" Noah gestures to Jace's blond hair and blue eyes.

Jace laughs a little. "It's no problem, I'm actually adopted. His parents took me in when I was ten and my father died." Jace explains.

"Ahh, that explains it." Noah laughs.

I'm happy that Jace and Noah seem to be getting along, perhaps it will make the whole process easier. Especially since they are all so close to Magnus.

A hand is suddenly snaking its way into mine and holding onto it roughly. "Alex! so nice to meet you again- shall we go inside and see that beloved Magnus of ours?" Camille smirks.

"It's Alec-" I try to correct her but she doesn't seem to care that she got my name wrong. she just yanks me along behind her as she pulls me into the restaurant.

"Alexander!" A sudden chorus of my name rings out as I step into the place. One of the small elderly women named Cora who worked in the kitchen comes toddling out, holding several menus's.

"I saw that young Magnus in here, I knew it wouldn't be long until you followed. I have your menu's for your friends, not like you and Magnus will need them." She is one of my favorite people who work here, but right now I just wish she wouldn't say what she was saying, not when Noah was right behind us, she would give away the secret about Magnus and me.

"Where is he?" Camille snaps at Cora, who looks taken aback by how rude Camille was.

"Hey be a little nicer." Clary snaps back at Camille who just simply glares at Clary before answering.

"He is my boyfriend, I deserve to know where he is." Camille snarls.

What the hell happened to the niceness they showed to each other back at my birthday party. It seemed like they now hated each other. I knew Cary wasn't that fond of her, but still.

I notice Cora staring at me with wide eyes. Oh, she was one of the people who thought we were still together.

I just give her a small sad smile that told her everything she needed to know. Magnus and I were no longer together.

"Follow me, sweetheart, I will show you where your... friend, is sat." Cora looked a little sad to be referring to Magnus as my friend.

She leads us to the back of the place, near the double table that was usually assigned to Magnus and me when we came in. It made me sad to even look at it. It looked like every other table here, but it also had some of our own touches to it. For example, they would always put our favorite flower in the glass vase instead of the usual red rose.

And there it was, the small bouquet of yellow tulips. The same flowers that Magnus would get me almost weekly as he was one of the only people that knew how much I loved fresh flowers in the house, a love I got from my mother.

"Baby, there you are!" Camille throws herself across and expectant Magnus. He catches her though and presses a loving kiss to her lips. A kiss I was all too familiar with in this place.

I was seriously beginning to regret coming here. I didn't think it would be this painful.

But there was a hollow feeling in my chest that was slowly spreading throughout my body. It was beginning to make it hard to breathe.

A squeeze of my hand suddenly reminds me that the only person I felt safe with was right here, standing beside me. Clary. Even with Jace and Noah being here, my brother and my boyfriend didn't make me feel as safe and cared for as Clary as she was the only one who could see how much I was hurting.

"Ah, we're all here I see, plus a guest." Magnus glances Noah up and down.

Camille giggles. "He is more than a guest baby, he's Alec's new boyfriend apparently," Camille tells him.

Magnus' eyes widen comically, and they flashed with something that I couldn't place. He looks Noah over again before his eyes meet mine for a moment before I move mine to look down at the floor. "Well... it's nice to meet you. I'm Magnus." I am lead to a seat by Noah himself, making me let go of Clary's hand, taking my anchor away when I needed her most.

To my horror, I am let to the seat opposite Magnus whilst he sat across from Camille. Jace sat beside Magnus and I was thankful that the only seat left for Clary was beside me.

"I'm Noah," Noah answers curtly. "Pleasure to meet you. Alec told me that you have been friends since high school." Noah smiles at Magnus.

I notice with a weird jolt that Magnus' mouth twitches at the word friend. As if he automatically wanted to correct Noah on the term.

"Yeah, we were-"

Fuck Jace.

I regret his whole existence in this very moment.

"Friends? please, they were dating for the past three years." He comments before taking a sip of his water that was laid out on the table when we got here.

I jolt when a hand under the table rests on my thigh, their nails digging sharply into my leg.

"Oh. Is that so... you sure failed to mention that Alec." Noah turns to look at me and I realize that it was him that was stabling into my leg and it only got harder as his glare burned into the side of my head.

"It's not that important... it's over." I mumble, not looking at anyone as I spoke.

This whole thing was a bad idea, I shouldn't of let Noah meet Magnus and I shouldn't have even of signed up to lunch, not when I could barely stand to look at Magnus in the eye.

"It still would've been nice for you to have told me before we went out to lunch with your ex." Noah sounded extremely angry now. "How long has it been? When did you break up?" He asks, looking as if he were about to stand up and leave.

"About a month." Camille throws in helpfully. "Magnus knew he didn't like Alec in that way, but he knew he loves me, isn't that right baby." Camille kisses Magnus' cheek. "Left him for me, truly romantic." She purrs and each word is like a knife to my gut.

Magnus loved Camille before he even ended it with me.

How long did they talk about breaking it off with me and getting together? All whilst I was planning on telling Magnus I was in love with him, trying to plan the perfect night for us.

"I think I need to go." Noah glares at me as if telling me that I was going with him without argument.

I am about to beg him to stay when at the corner of my eye, I notice the last straw that will lead me to an almost full out mental breakdown.

One of the waiters called Brandon, someone that Magnus and I had always been friendly with, was standing at mine and Magnus' table.

He was pulling out our small bunch of cheery yellow tulips, replacing it with a single red rose.

Brandon turned to leave but stopped when he saw that I had seen him. His face turned sad when he saw that I had understood what was going on.

Noah stands up then, grabbing onto my hand, pulling me with him without any fight from me. He shoves past Brandon, knocking all of the yellow tulips to the ground, leaving him to walk all over them. Crushing them in his path until they are beaten and destroyed.

It brought tears to my eyes.

They were our flowers, something that represented us together.

And here they lay now. Beaten and broken, just like me, Just like what we had.

*****************************************************************************************

Noah led us right to my flat. Not speaking to me the entire way.

Not until he had slammed the door behind me.

"What the fuck- you piece of shit." He booms as soon as the door closed. "You think you can pull off shit like that, to me!" He shoves me away, sending me falling to the floor.

Pain shoots through my hip as it slams against the floor. The pain is nothing to the fear that I am currently feeling when I look back up at Noah.

I had never seen him look so angry, not in the three weeks that I had known him anyway. Until now he had been the perfect person. The kind of man I thought would help me get over Magnus.

"I'm sorry- I really am sorry." I almost sob, the emotions from the past hour are now getting to me and all coming out now as my fear grows.

Noah suddenly grabs me by the collar of my shirt, yanking me forward until we are face to face.

"What makes you think you can do that to me. You are lucky to have someone like me, especially when I am lowering myself to someone like you." He sneers at me.

I am shocked to hear him say something like that, enough to allow tears to build in my eyes.

"Please-"

"You're so fucking pathetic, no wonder that Magnus broke up with you. He saw how worthless you are and now look at him. He's with someone beautiful and worth his time... unlike you." He snarls as he watches the tears fall from my eyes. "Look at yourself." I let out a sob.

He was right. He had just confirmed everything bad thing I had ever thought about myself.

He could see how good Magnus was and how much I didn't deserve him.

"You're right." I sob, falling to the floor straight after when he shoves me back down.

"Fucking right I am. You're worthless, the only thing you are good for is someone to work for me, it's the only way you'll ever have someone. I'm gracious enough to put up with you as long as you do everything I fucking say- if you don't, then I'll leave."

The fear of him leaving me takes over. "No-please don't leave me!" I sob, reaching out to grab onto his jeans.

Only to suddenly feel a sharp pain to my face.

He had punched me.

And I deserved it.

I was so weak.

"Don't touch me, you fucking pathetic man." He snarls. "I am going home to get my things, then I will come back here because I don't want you out of my sight. You are no longer allowed to see that man."

Another sob rips its way out of my throat.

I was never going to see Magnus again. If I did then I will lose the only person who was willing to stay with someone unlovable and pathetic as me.

The pain of losing Magnus this way is so much worse than when he broke up with me.

"I'll be back soon, don't fucking move." Noah snaps then he is walking out of the flat and slamming the door behind him.

**********************************************************************

Noah had been gone for ages.

Enough time for me to have cleaned up everything for his return and to take a shower to clean off all the tears and sweat from my body.

I had noticed that my eye had started to bruise where he had punched me.

Staring at it reminded me of how much I deserved it for being so pathetic and ugly.

As I finished getting 're dressed, someone knocked on the door. It couldn't be Noah, surely he would've walked right in.

I didn't want to risk it though, so I sped through the flat, not wanting to keep him waiting.

When I opened the door, however, I was shocked to see Magnus on the other side.

"Alexander I just came to say- oh my god what happened to your face!" Magnus' hand came up to touch the bruise under my eye.

I flinch away from his hand, making him drop it to his side. "What happened? Are you okay?" He asks.

Once I had fully registered that he was there, I was filled with a sudden fear of Noah coming home to find Magnus at the door.

"You have to leave," I say quietly, hoping that he wouldn't hear it and decide to stay and come back to me.

Magnus blinks in surprise. "I just came here to get my things and to say sorry-"

"I'll give them to Isabelle to give to you- please leave." I interrupt him. I feel tears burning behind my eyes, almost numbing the pain from the black eye.

"Alexander? What is wrong." Magnus looks worried and I couldn't stand to see that look on his face.

A stray tear falls from my eye and I am quick to wipe it away. "We can't be friends Magnus. Not after everything." I mumble to him.

Magnus suddenly looks angry. "You were fine with it before. I don't want to lose you, Alec, you are one of the most important people in my life- and I'm sorry for what Camille said because it wasn't true. It took me so long to decide to let you go, but she pointed out how much better it would be for-"

"No! please, Magnus." I close my eyes.

"I can't be your friend... not when I have Noah. That's just how it has to be." I whimper, hating every word that came out of my mouth.

Magnus' face turns hard all of a sudden." Oh. Are you doing this for him? Is that why we suddenly can't be friends, just because he doesn't want us to be?" Magnus turns silent for a long moment. "Did he do that to you?" He asks in a breathy voice.

"No!" I am quick to answer, wanting to stop Magnus from thinking that way. The longer he thinks that way then the more time he has to tell someone and that someone will try to get Noah away from me and I- I couldn't handle that. "I tripped over my own feet and hit the door knob that's all. And I'm the one who wants to stop being friends. Noah is important to me and he it's not fair to make him sit around and worry because of us." I say.

The emotions are suddenly becoming worse and I know I have to finish this soon.

"I'll get Isabelle to give you your things. I hope you have a nice life Magnus Bane- it was... amazing to have spent a small part of it with you." I say in a whisper.

"Wait- just, you deserve this... you are the reason they are there." Magnus holds out one single, slightly crushed yellow tulip. "It was the only one not destroyed." He explains before taking my hand and dropping the flower into it. "I'll respect your decision, if this is what you want then I'll stay away... just know that I'll always be here for you. You will always be my best friend- and the most important person to me." Magnus suddenly pulls me into a hug, as if he couldn't help himself

I want to return the hug, but I knew that if I did then I wouldn't be able to let go.

So I pull away from him. "You ne- need to go," I say before turning and walking into the house, closing the door in his face,

I listen to his soft footsteps as he walks away. Each step breaks my heart even more.

When I can no longer hear him, I look down at the flower that was still in my hand. I didn't want it to ever die, I wanted to keep it forever but I had to hide it from Noah, he would destroy it if he knew I had it.

Suddenly I'm running into the bedroom and yanking open the drawer under my bed. Sitting near the top of the pile of sheets in there, was the scrap book Magnus and Isabelle had made for me that was filled with all my favorite things and pictures of my loved ones.

I flick to the page dedicated to Magnus, it was filled with our favorite memories from before and after we got together.

Just as I reach the page, the doorknob jiggles, telling me that Noah was back.

As quickly as I could, I place the flower onto the page before slamming the book shut and shoving it under all the blankets.

This way, I would get to keep this small piece of Magnus with me forever.

It was the only thing I had left of him.

I would treasure it, even though I didn't deserve too.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER HAS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS SO PLEASE BE SAFE AND READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER! xx

 

Chapter **Four**

**Alec:**

There was only so much more excuses I could give my family. I couldn't avoid attending any more family meals or friendly bonding times, not when I was known for loving them before. I would love any chance to spend time with my family and my friends, and most importantly Magnus.

But that's different now.

I hadn't attended one for months. Noah didn't like me spending time with them because it distracted me from the instructions he had given me. I can't slack off just because I wanted to be selfish and spend time with my family.

He also knew that Clary and Magnus would be there. Two people, I was no longer allowed to see, or I would be punished. Sometimes he even punishes me when he believes I have thought about them too much.

I didn't complain.

Because I knew I deserved it.

"Shithead!" I hear Noah call me from where he was lounging in the front room with some of his friends. "I fucking told you to get new beers five minutes ago. "Can you not do this simple task." I panic slightly, turning quickly to reach into the fridge, knowing that if I didn't get it soon then I would be in for a beating.

No matter if his friends were in the house or not. They actually found it funny whenever Noah got mad enough to beat me in front of them. They even offered him money to let them join in, but he never did because I was his bitch and only his.

It gave me a strange sense of pride that Noah called me his, no matter if it was soon followed by the word bitch. At least I belonged to someone.

I grab several beers from the fridge before scurrying out to where Noah sat watching some game on the TV. "I'm sorry." I whimper as I place the beers on the table.

Noah suddenly lashes out and kicks me in the back of the knee, making me cripple to the floor and almost drop on of the beers. "Be careful bitch, I paid good money for those beers." He sneers at me as I right the bottle on the table.

I want to snap back at him that he wasn't the one that paid for these beers, I was, with my parents money. I held my tongue though because I knew that it wouldn't do me any good to show him cheek.

I lower my head as I reach for the bottle opener that rests on the table. I use it to open one of the beers before holding it out to Noah. He yanks it out of my hand then gestures to his guests, prompting me to offer beers to them too.

I do as I was told, quietly because I knew that it would be better for me that way.

The quiet was broken however when a shrill beep from my phone tells me that I have received a text. I am suddenly cold to my core, I have a funny feeling of who it might be.

Even though I told him that we couldn't be friends, he still texted me several times a day to make sure I wasn't dead, even though I haven't answered him. In fact, I haven't even spoken to him since that day he came to the door to give me the tulip, and that was four months ago now.

"You better hope that's just your sister or you are going to fucking get it." Noah snarls as he reaches for my phone that rests on the table beside him on the sofa.

My body turns to ice as I watch him unlock the phone, I didn't even dare breathe as the anticipation and fear grow in my stomach. I had received beatings that had been so colossal, just because Magnus was trying to speak to me.

I had never seen any of the messages that he had even sent as Noah was in charge of my phone and who I spoke to. Some days I wasn't even allowed to message Isabelle.

The person I wanted to talk to most though was Clary, but her number was deleted from my phone and whenever she came around and demanded to be allowed to see me, Noah turned her away. He made up some stupid excuse every time, that she never believed. But I think after a while she caught on that the more time she tries to get to me, the worse it becomes for me in the long run.

It doesn't mean she had stopped trying. After a month or so of trying herself, she finally got mad enough to involve Jace. That soon led to me not being allowed to make contact with Jace as he was becoming too suspicious.

I could tell Jace was feeling bad about not seeing that I was struggling sooner, but now that he had, whenever he called through the door to me, whenever Noah wouldn't let him in. He would shout and tell me that he would help me one way or another, and to contact him if I ever really needed the help.

I do need the help but I can't take it.

Not if I want to lose Noah, and I just can't lose him like I lost Noah.

"You're in luck," Noah grumbles before texting something back to who must me Isabelle. "Your bitch sister is getting too interested in your life. You are going to her dinner tonight and whilst you are there, I want you to show her that you are okay. Do you think you can do that or are you too worthless." Noah shoves the phone back onto the table before leaning forward and gripping my jaw in my hand. "Can you?" He squeezes my jaw tightly.

I nod my head numbly. I try to hide the excitement that I am feeling about a night away from Noah. It had been weeks since I had spent time with my family.

"Good. Now fucking clean yourself up you pathetic bitch." He shoves my face away then grabs for his beer.

I finish handing out the other beers before ducking my head and making my way to the bathroom.

************************************************************************************************

A quick shower, a rushed dinner and two hours later I was standing at the door to my parents house.

I was sweating through the dark green sweater I had decided to wear. I hadn't seen them for so long and I knew I would have to explain so much to them, including the dark yellow and a black bruise under my eye and my split lip. I had no idea how I was going to do it, all I knew was it had to be a very good lie.

With one last deep breath, I push open the front door.

As soon as I am inside I feel tears coming to my eyes as I feel the warmth and smell that familiar home smell that I had been lacking in my flat.

The warmth of my family home hit me like a ton of bricks and it was soon followed by the sound of my loved ones having a good time in the other room.

I almost hated to walk in there and ruin it. But I knew that if I didn't both Isabelle and Noah would be mad at me, for completely different reasons. Plus I can't have any more suspicion put on Noah because then I'll lose him.

I couldn't lose him, not when he was better than anything I deserved.

Pushing those thoughts away, I pull off my jacket so I could hang it up on the rack beside the door, but before I could hang it, someone is pulling it from my hands. I look down in time to see my little brother flinging his arms around my waist.

God, it felt like I hadn't seen Max in such a long time. He was always so busy with starting high school and all the clubs he had joined.

"Hey, what's up kid?" I ask before returning his hug. I ignore the pain that the hug sends through my ribs, leftover pain from Noah a couple of nights ago. I won't complain or bring it up to anyone because I know it was justified. I should've made sure that the bedroom window was closed for the night. He hates sleeping with the window open at night.

"Where have you been?" Max asks, without answering my question. He then pulls back to look up at me, his face automatically turns more worried than a twelve-year-old should. "What happened to your face?" He reaches up to touch under my eye, making me flinch back in pain. "Oh! You're sure, I'll tell Mom." Max declares then before I could stop him, he is running into the front room shouting on Mom.

With a long drawn out sigh, I decided that it's best to follow him, no point in denying the inevitable.

When I walk into the room, however, my whole body freezes in complete fear and even more longing.

Standing beside Jace and Clary is Magnus. They are watching Max intently as he informs Mom of my injuries. Magnus, however, is the first to notice me coming into the room, his eyes meet mine for a split second before he is striding across the room to rest his hand on my cheek, pulling it down so he could get a better look at my face.

"Oh Alexander, what happened?" He asks in the softest voice he could manage. It makes something in my chest flutter to hear the concern in his voice. It's not something I had heard for a long time.

Then again, his voice, in general, is something that I hadn't heard in a while.

I missed it so fucking much.

But I couldn't dwell on it, I had to think of Noah.

I shake my head from the touch of his hand, knowing that if I allowed it to go on any longer I would just break down in tears. I knew that if I did that then the whole truth would come out, and if I told them the truth they would take Noah away and I would be alone again.

"It's nothing, I'm just clumsy, you know that." I mumble, gently sucking on the swollen part of my lip that was slowly starting to heal. Well, until the next time Noah came for me.

"That's not true, Alexander." Magnus has a deep frown on his face. "I know just how clumsy you are and in all the years I have known you, nothing to this scale has happened." He brushes a feather light touch to the bruise under my eye. He trails it up until it's gently pressing against my brow, where a cut had already healed, however it left a light pink scar that could only be seen up close.

Mom is suddenly by my side, looking as worried as Magnus does. "Honey, let me clean those cuts for you... I don't want you getting any infections." Mom gently takes my hand.

She is about to step away when suddenly Magnus places a hand on my bicep.

I don't know if my eyes are deceiving me or not but it looks like Magnus is reluctant to let me go.

"Magnus, don't worry. I have him." Mom sends Magnus that smile she always saved for those her children loved. I had seen it plenty of times when she spoke to either Clary or Lydia.

I watch as Magnus and Mom share a look that is filled with something secretive. It's as if they had some mutual understanding about something that I didn't know about.

After a moment of this though, Magnus sighs and almost reluctantly lets me go.

I meet his eyes, the look in his sparks something almost long forgotten in the bottom of my stomach. It reminds me of the days long before we decided to get together.

I didn't have the time to do anything about it before Mom pulled me around the corner and Magnus was gone from my view.

* * *

**Magnus:**

A moment after Maryse and Alec were gone, I felt two people approach me from behind, one of those people places a hand on my elbow.

"Are you okay?" Clary asks, even though I am sure she knows the answer.

"No," I state before turning around to face her and Jace. "I knew something was up the last time I saw him. It's why I decided that I was not going to give up on making him talk to me, but seeing him tonight just makes it clear that not everything is as it seems." I meet eyes with Clary who just nods her head in agreement.

Jace, however, decided that he wanted to argue a little bit first. "Are you sure you're not just thinking that because you've finally realized that you love him... I mean when you came to me that day two months ago, broken up because Camille cheated on you-"

"Jace-"

"No Clary. I need to know if he is being serious about it this time. I don't want him to hurt my brother again, even though I did the same by not seeing how much he hurt before. This time I won't rest until I know he is okay and if that means I am going to try and help you get him back, then I have to be sure I know you are serious." Jace crosses his arms over his chest.

I understood where he was coming from. It does seem shit of me to be doing this after all that I have done to Alexander, at the time I didn't see it... I thought I was doing the right thing and it wasn't until I really saw the person Camille was, that I realized what I had done.

  
_***Two Months Ago*** _

_"Are you texting Alec again?"_

_I jump from where I was sat at my work desk. I look up towards my office door, to where the voice had originated from. Standing there was Lydia, she was holding several folders that contained the possible new covers for the magazine I worked for. I knew she was delivering them to me to narrow down two of them, it was always the hardest part of my job. It was so tiring trying to pick through several constipated photoshopped models and trying to make it seem exciting and inviting to our readers._

_I wouldn't complain though, I loved this job and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for someone of my age._

_I notice that I hadn't said anything to Lydia and she was standing there with an amused smile on her face._

_"Oh, no... not Alec, I was texting Camille and telling her I would be home late," I say to Lydia before reaching out to take the folders from her._

She _, however, holds them back from me._

_"Magnus, you're like my brother you know that right? at one point I actually thought we would be." I notice she added that part under her breath and it sends a little jolt of pain through me._

_I knew she was talking about Alec, and I thought I had explained to her that I couldn't stay with Alec, for obvious reasons._

_He is way too good for me._

_"Yes, Lydia_ , _" I mumble, not trusting myself to speak any louder than that._

_She raises an eyebrow at me before speaking again. "Well, if you are going to continue to insist on staying with your bitch of a girlfriend then I will help you along. I know how much you hate doing this so I will narrow down the covers so you can go home for the evening."_

_I ignore the comment about Camille being a bitch. As much as I want to agree, I know I couldn't say anything like that because Camille is who I deserve._

_I thought Alec and I would be a done deal. That we would get married and have a couple of kids. Then I met Camille and I guess I was attracted to her and she was nice to me at first, then she started to be weird and a little possessive over me and I have no idea why because I had never really expressed any interest in her. In fact, I'm pretty sure I talked her ear off a thousand times about Alec, but for some reason she hated it. After a while she started to become mean and that soon led to her pointing out all of my flaws and making sure to beat me down. Whenever I spoke about Alec after that, she made sure to let me know how selfish I was being by forcing someone as amazing as Alec to be with me._

_After a month of that, I decided that she was right. Alec was too good for me and deserved someone better than me._

_Someone who didn't come home so late sometimes that I would miss dinner or even miss the chance to say goodnight or good morning. Someone who even canceled dates to make sure a deadline was met, or sometimes I would even mess up his apartment with all of my shit from work because I just didn't have the time to spend with him because of my work and to do it at his house seemed like the best solution. It also wasn't fair for me to work there as I drank all of his coffee and sent his electricity price sky high with the many all nighters I pulled._

_Alec never seemed to make a big deal out of though. He was so patient when it came to not seeing me until I was climbing into bed beside him at all hours of the night. He would just kiss me softly before pulling me into the warmth of his arms. And whenever I called to tell him I couldn't make it home or to a date, he would actually turn up at the office with my favorite take out and some chocolate because he knew chocolate was something I ate when I was stressed. Then whenever I would eat his food or drink up all the coffee he usually saved for the mornings, he would go out and come back with a new lot of coffee, plus a fresh cup of my favorite stuff from the local bakery._

_He was too perfect for someone like me._

_He shouldn't have to do all the stuff that he did for me, especially when I didn't have the time to do half of it back._

_"I don't mind doing_ _it," I say to her, knowing that she would much rather go spend time with Isabelle._

_If I was being honest. I wasn't all too bothered about spending some time away from Camille. She was too controlling and put me down one too many times. The only thing I could depend on her was when I started feeling the need to go see Alec, to try and fix things with him because I knew that I still felt something for him._

_The one time she failed at that, I found myself at Alexander's door, offering him a flower._

_It was stupid for me to have done that._

_I wasn't blind. I could see how everything I did and everything Camille made me do, hurt him and every time I saw him in pain, it was like stabbing myself with a burning hot knife straight through my heart._

_"Don't worry about it. I have Isabelle coming over to help me, she was thinking about applying for a job here so I was going to spend tonight showing her some of the things she might have to do." Lydia looked extremely proud as she told me this and it made me smile._

_Unlike Myself and Camille, Lydia and Isabelle truly had something special. It's the sort of thing I wanted to have with Alec, but I don't think we got there, I think._

_I smile at her, the fight leaving me because I could see that she, unlike me, really wanted to do it. She was proud of her work and it was clear she wanted to show that to Isabelle._

_"Okay, you wore me down." I pretended to sigh in sadness but it was hard too when I saw the smile on Lydia's face._

_"Oh! Thank you, Magnus! Isabelle has been wanting to do this for years but never felt she could, I spent so long talking her into tonight." Lydia leans over my desk to place a kiss on my cheek._

_Her joy was infectious and it was enough to keep me in a good mood for the whole journey home._

_But of course._

_It didn't last._

_Especially not when I opened the door to MY loft to find Camille, my reluctant girlfriend, spread eagle on the floor whilst some large jock of a man, yes a literal jock, if the letterman jacket on the floor by my feet was anything to go by, is there over her, having his wicked way with her._

_For some reason, I wasn't all too upset about this. It was if my mind knew that something like this would happen sooner or later but I had just decided to put it out of my mind until it came to the moment it happened, which was now._

_"Hate to interrupt." I start, making the poor kid jump back in fright, he stumbles to the floor and yanks up what must be Camille's shirt, to cover his modesty._

_Camille sits up slowly, her eyes wide and calculating as if she was shocked but still trying to keep her head straight so she could lie her way out of this._

_"Darling... I thought you were going to be at work?" Camille slowly reaches up to drag the small blanket I usually kept on the back of the sofa, over to cover herself up._

_I shrug lazily before calmly pulling off my jacket. "I thought I'd come home early to surprise my girlfriend," I say as I lay the jacket on the small table beside the door. "What a surprise." I deadpan as I flick my eyes over to the scared looking boy. I do feel bad for him as he probably fell for Camille's tricks just like I did._

_Camille flushes then stand up from the floor, pulling the blanket more tightly around her. "Maggie-" She starts but I just hold up a finger to stop her._

_"You." I point towards the cowering boy. "Get up, get dressed, clean the mess you two made then get out of my home," I order, he nods his head quickly before getting up and scurrying around the room to find his clothes._

_Whilst he does that I turn around to face Camille. "And as for you, I want you out of my house and out of my life." I shake my head, looking her up and down. "Why is it only now that I have seen you for the poisonous snake you are?" I ask as a serious question because I don't know why that until I stepped into the loft and saw her with another man, I didn't see what she had done to my life._

_Camille scoffs. "Magnus you can't be serious. You honestly think me cheating on you wasn't justified? how was I supposed to be satisfied being with you when you were always away? I needed someone to sleep with just to make the time I was here, worthwhile." Camille crowds up to me._

_Any other day, this would seem like an okay argument coming from her as she had her claws sunk so deeply into me. Now, however, all it made me want to do was throw up. How could someone behave this way? She was supposed to be there for me and to be my girlfriend. I thought she was what I deserved, she promised me that she was and that she would be there now that I had to give up the one that I loved._

_Loved._

_Oh god. What have I done?_

_"Get out." I snarl at her suddenly._

_She looks shocked that her excuse hadn't worked. "Maggie- baby you can't-"_

_"Oh, I am very serious Camille. I can see you now, I can see everything you have done to me that has ruined my life... you took away one of the best thing I have ever had, for what? some sick game?"_

_Camille seems to have understood what was going on now and to my surprise, it made her smile._

_"Oh Magnus, I'm surprised it took you so long to realize." She laughs. "You were so innocent when I found you, it was almost too good to be true, but then I found about lover boy and it just got even better." She leans down to pick her underwear up from the floor, slipping them up her legs. "It was pathetic how much you loved that boy, but you never even saw it for yourself. You were exactly what I wanted, only I needed you unattached, so I did what I had to do." She then picks up her dress from where it rests on the arm of the sofa. She slips it over her head before coming back over to me. "You were fun at first then you started to get all mopey over that Adam guy, so I started getting bored and sleeping around with the closest college kids." She explains with a smirk._

_"You bitch-"_

_"And now, I'm done with you and you have nothing left. Now that Allan has someone new, and quite frankly better looking than you." She kisses my cheek before moving over to where her heels are strewn on the floor. "Robbie!" Camille yells, then out from behind the corner, the kid she was with came out. "It's time to go baby." She croons as she slides her heels on._

_Robbie runs to her side and takes her outstretched hand._

_Just as Camille opens the door to the loft, I reach out to grab onto Robbie's jacket._

_"Good fucking luck," I say to him before letting him go._

_And with that, the door shuts behind them and Camille was gone from my life._

  
***Present***

I wanted to say it was all her fault because I knew on some level it was, but I couldn't help but blame myself for Alec being how he is now.

I was the one who fell for Camille's tricks and allowed her to allow me to hurt him.

Everything I did in the weeks after our breakup, such as inviting Camille to his birthday only days after seeing him so broken because of me and what I did. Then I watched him make his escape through the kitchen with Clary, right after I broke down in my resolve to be strong and invited him out to dinner. I remember forcing myself to add Camille into the question because all I wanted to do was ask him, spend time with him and apologize for everything that I was doing.

I wanted to let him know that it was a necessary evil.

"Magnus?" Clary prompts and I remember that I had to answer Jace. I was so lost in my memories that I forgot that I had to answer him.

I smile softly as I think of my answer.

"You don't have anything to worry about Jace. I love Alec with all my heart and I mean it this time, I never ever want to live without him again. It kills me to not see him every day, to not speak to him and to know that he is probably in pain and it's all because of me. I will never forgive myself for hurting him the way I have and if he is ever stupid enough to give me another chance, I will spend every single day of my life proving to him how much I love him." I take a deep breath, feeling tears coming to my eyes. "I think I have always been in love with him, ever since day one... so yeah, I mean it, Jace. I want him back more than I want to breathe. He means more to me than my own life."

Jace and Clary stare at me with wide eyes. Obviously not expecting me to say anything like that.

But after a moment, Clary is grinning like a mad man then she turns to look at Jace.

He is smiling too, it's the kind of smile that he usually has when talking about his big brother.

"Well then. It looks like we have work to do."

* * *

**Alec:**

For some reason, the whole time that Mom cleaned me up, she was completely silent. I felt bad for making her feel the way she is feeling. I could see the worry in her eyes every time I winced in pain.

The whole time we were in the bathroom I was expecting her to question me on what happened. She never did though, and at first, I was a little hurt but then I remembered that Mom knew me better than anyone. She knew when the right time to try and get me to talk was, and I could tell she knew that if she asked me now, I wouldn't tell her what happened.

I just couldn't tell her. Even though the idea of going back home now, made me panic inside.

Once we joined everyone back downstairs, we find that they are already sitting out ready for dinner.

"Oh good your back, we waited to eat until you were done, but I was afraid the food would get cold." Dad smiles at us both when we come into the room. "Alec I saved you a seat beside Clary." Dad motions to the end of the table. I see that I am at the very end, next to Clary and of course I'm across from Magnus.

I feel fear go through me again as I see him, silently wondering if Noah was going to be able to tell that I was spending time with him. He is going to know, and I don't know how to stop him from finding out.

I walk silently over to the table, sharing a small smile with Clary as I do so. I avoid eye contact with Magnus, not knowing if I was strong enough to do so.

As people begin to eat, everyone merges into their own conversations with those sitting closest to them.

As my luck strikes again, Magnus takes this time to start talking to me.

"So, Alexander. How has work been?" Magnus asks.

I look up at him now that he is directly talking to me, it would be rude of me to not meet his eyes. "I uh- I quit a couple of months ago," I tell him, making both him and Clary gasp.

I knew that it would probably get this reaction.

"B-but Alexander, you loved that job." Magnus almost whispers and for some reason, it breaks my heart.

I look down at my food. "I kn- I mean, I did love it but being an author isn't a realistic dream, so Noah got me a job as a temp for now," I tell him even though it hurts to say. No matter what, I will always want to be a writer, but I guess Noah was right, I wasn't good at writing and I would never make it.

Magnus reaches over to take my hand. "Don't you dare think that. Alexander, you are one of the best writers I know, and I can tell you now that if you go back to it then you are going to be amazing and your books would sell out across the world." Magnus squeezes my hand but it feels more like he was squeezing my heart.

Clary nudges me playfully. "Magnus is right Alec, don't give up just because Noah doesn't think it's a good enough job. We're always here for you and we all support you and your dream because we all love you." For some reason Clary puts a lot of emphasis into the word love, I don't know why.

I couldn't ask why though because there was sudden commotion further up the table. "Jace! stop taking pictures when people don't know it's happening!" Isabelle was shouting at Jace whilst also trying to reach for his phone. Jace is just laughing whilst doing something on said phone as he tries to keep it out of Isabelle's reach.

I smile at their playfulness, ignoring the pain from my lip as it is stretched.

I turn to Magnus when I hear him chuckle fondly. His eyes are shining brightly as he watches me. "I missed that smile." He says softly to me.

I stare at him with wide eyes.

Did he really just say that?

What- I don't even know what to-

"Crap, Alexander I'm sorry- I didn't mean to say that." Magnus quickly corrects himself before I could even begin to get excited at the compliment.

Of course he didn't mean to say it, you worthless idiot. Why would he care about your stupid smile when he has someone like Camille to watch smiling all day.

I really had to get a grip of myself or I'm going to let Magnus know just how much I need him.

I give him a small sad smile before jumping slightly as my phone beeps in my pocket.

I knew without a doubt that it was probably Noah. No one messages me bar him Clary, Magnus or my parents and since they're all here with me, it had to be Noah.

I pull my phone out of my pocket.

"Get. Home. Now."

Shit.

He was angry with me, but why would he be.

A second later my question is answered when a screenshot comes through. It's a screenshot of Jace's Instagram, of his most recent post.

Fuck.

Now I know what Isabelle meant about Jace taking pictures of people when they weren't paying attention.

It just so happened that he took a picture of the whole table, including Magnus and I. Sitting in the back of the photo, Magnus's hand holding mine whilst we looked directly at each other.

Noah was going to kill me.

"I have to go," I mumble quickly before shooting up from my seat, almost knocking it over in my haste to get up.

"What? Why- Alexander you haven't even touched your food." Mom stands as if she were going to stop me. But I just hold out my hands, begging her not to try.

"Please, I just have to go its... it's an emergency." I tell her before turning to look at Clary. "I uh- I'll try to call you later," I say to her as I watch her and Magnus stand up.

I let my eyes trail to Magnus. Trying to save his face to memory, even though it currently looks worried, it is still worth remembering. It's clear to me now that I still love him and I think I might always will.

"Sorry." I mouth to him before turning and speed walking out of the house, not even remembering to grab my jacket.

******************************************************************************************

To say that Noah was angry would be an understatement.

I was barely in the door when he started screaming.

"You filthy bastard! Did you think I wouldn't find out!" I was slammed against the door by my hair.

"I'm sorry- I didn't mean for it to- AH!"

Halfway through my rant, Noah knees me in the stomach. "Did I say you could speak you freak! how the fuck did you not learn your lesson-" Noah throws me to the ground.

On my way to the floor my head collides with the corner of my coffee table, I automatically feel blood soaking into my hair.

Noah doesn't care though and a second later he is shouting at me and each word is followed by a sharp kick to my side.

"He. Doesn't. Love. You." He screams. "He. Never. Will. No one. Will. " He reaches down to yank me up by my hair.

The movement makes me cry out in pain, a rib or two is definitely broken.

"You disgusting freak, no one loves you. I have never met anyone more pathetic or worthless in my life- you'd be better off dead." He snarls then sends a punch to my face, allowing me to fall back and smack my head off the table again.

He suddenly spits on me. "You are lower than dirt. I've never met someone so disgusting- I'm so fucking done with you, I hope you decide to do the world a favor and just kill yourself.

Noah leans down suddenly then proceeds to punch me two more times in the face.

He then gets up and storms out of the house.

I lie there, tears falling from my throbbing eyes.

I can barely feel any of the pain anyway, despite bleeding from my head, nose, and lip.

The emotional pain I feel is so much stronger.

Noah was right. How could I think that going tonight was a good idea? All it did was make me lose the one person who was willing to put up with me and highlight the fact that Magnus didn't love me.

I was better off dead.

I should die. I deserve to die.

I sob loudly before pushing myself up, screams tear their way out of my mouth and my eyes burn with tears and the blood that is falling into them from my head.

The pressure of the broken ribs is pressing into my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Every move I make is agony, there was no way I was making it to the bathroom to do this.

I was surprised no one had called the police yet, considering the yelling the screams of pain that have come from this apartment.

Who would call them though? not for someone as worthless as me.

In the corner of my eye, I notice that there is a left over beer bottle lying on the floor from when Noah had his friends over.

It was almost perfect.

With one painful moment and a loud scream, I manage to reach the bottle in my numb hands.

I use the last of my strength to smash it onto the ground with enough force to smash it.

As it smashes, my hand falls into the glass, leading to several shards being stuck in my hand. I couldn't care less about it though, it was the least painful thing about me right now.

Lying on the floor, I reach for the one shard of glass that was the largest and most broken up. This would do.

My eyes are blurring from the tears now.

I rest the glass on my wrist, right above my vein, getting ready to slice it down when I suddenly thought of something.

I let the shard fall onto the rug I was lying on.

I then fumble for my phone which is still in my pocket. Through blurry eyes, I find the number of the last person I ever wanted to talk to in this world.

I press call before putting it on speaker phone. Full sobs come out of my throat as the phone rings. I have just pressed the shard against my skin again when I hear Magnus' voice.

"Alexander! are you okay? your mom got-"

"I love you." I sob before pressing the glass into my vein and yanking it down, causing a waterfall of blood to stream down my arm.

I let out a pained cry as the pain overtakes me. "M'sorry that I love you." I sob more before weakly transferring the glass to my other hand, ready to start on the other wrist. "I'll fix it, I'll be gone," I say before once again digging the glass into my arm and pulling it down.

"Alexander! Darling? baby please what are you doing? please tell me you are okay?" Magnus sounds beside himself.

I let my head fall on the floor, listening to the sound of his voice.

"Darling please! you're scaring me! please don't do anything stupid, I'm so so sorry- I'm sorry for everything I did! I love you too sweetheart! don't do anything stupid please- we're going to be together okay? please-"

I smiled at his kind words.

Telling lies of happiness to soothe the dying man.

Magnus's words die out however when I feel my life slowly slip away to the darkness.


	5. Chapter Five

 

**Chapter Five**

**Maryse:**

I had a really bad feeling about this.

A feeling so bad that it threatened to consume me.

A feeling only a mother could get when it came to her baby.

There was something going on with Alec. Something that he didn't think he could come to us about and it had been going on for a while. I had my suspicions but it all came to the one conclusion when he turned up at home beaten and worn down. It was clear what was happening to him and I was not going to let it go on any longer.

No one was going to hurt my son and get away with it.

This led to where I was now, running up towards Alec's apartment building with Robert by my side. The bad feeling only getting worse as we got closer.

It was a little concerning to see several police cars pulling up just as we got to the building.

Robert actually stopped to see what was going on, I could tell that he has the same bad feeling and he was just hoping that the police weren't there for our son.

I let Robert do what he had to do, I called back to him to find me when he was done because I just had to make sure Alec was alright, he had to be okay.

I take a moment to contemplate taking the elevator to Alec's apartment but it seemed too slow for my restless mind, do without much thought I dash up the stairs. I run up the several flights it took to get to his flat, not caring that by the time I got there, my lungs were on fire.

The fear for my son was so overwhelming now that the need for air didn't even matter. Nothing mattered but Alec in this moment.

I storm to the door that leads to his flat, only to find it locked.

"Alec!" I bang on the door, hoping to god that he would answer.

But nothing comes.

"Alec, please! Open the door, Alec?.... Alexander Lightwood you open this door now!" I scream as frightened tears stream down my face. Please god let nothing bad happen to my baby, please oh please... I can't lose him.

"Maryse, stand back." Robert is suddenly behind me, pulling me back from the door and holding me as the gaggle of police we saw outside, come forward and begin to bang on the door, trying to get Alec to come and answer.

"Mr. Lightwood, this is the police, open up or we will force entry." One of the police yells through the door.

By this point several of Alec's neighbors are coming out into the hallway, all of them looking concerned. They must've been the ones to call the police, so that means something bad must have happened-

"Robert- my poor baby he's..."

Robert just holds me tighter to him, his face set in a hard line and trying to be the strong one for both of us right now.

"Okay, Mr. Lightwood, we're coming in." The officer calls for stepping back and allowing two other men to come forward with a battering ram.

I move from Robert's arms, getting ready to run in there.

It takes only three hits to the door before the officer slips his hand through a giant hole and unlocks it.

As soon as I hear the click that means the door is opened, I am shoving past all the officers and throwing open the door.

I stumble past the threshold and that's about it before I take in the scene before me.

It's every mother's worst nightmare.

A sort of scream/sob comes out of my mouth before I am falling to the floor.

There was my son, my sweet little baby boy, lying on the floor, his own blood pooling around his head and staining into the white rug that I helped him pick out when he first got his very own apartment.

At first, I thought he was just bleeding from his head, but then I saw it.

The shard of glass still loosely gripped in one hand as he slowly bled from each wrist, now both clotting over.

"No- Alec oh! my baby." I crawl over to him, not caring that his blood was staining into my dress, I didn't care- I just needed to know if he was alive.

There were voices all around me, people shouting orders and people trying to talk to me, to pull me away from my son and out of the pool of his blood.

But I felt a little spark of hope through the pain when I felt that slow and irregular beat of his heart. It was weak, oh so very weak but it was there and I was not going to let my son die now that I knew he was alive.

"Maryse darling, you have to move so they can take him away." Robert's shaking hands pull me back from Alec, giving space for the newly arrived paramedics to get to work.

"He's going to live." I cry into Roberts' shoulder. "He's still alive- I felt it and he is so strong-" I hiccup on the word before I notice something, on the floor sits Alec's phone.

I pull away from Robert, leaning down to grab the phone off of the floor. Maybe this will allow me to see if my theory was right.

And if I find out that Noah drove my baby to try and kill himself, then I would make sure to kill him myself.

No one messes with my boy.

I stuff the phone into my pocket just as Alec is lifted onto a stretcher. They had done something to him that had stopped the bleeding from his head and wrists but he was still covered in it.

"Come on, we're going with them to the hospital." Robert helps me stand. I look at him to see tears have stained his face and every part of his is shaking with rage and fear. He was trying to hold himself together for me, he was trying to be strong because I was the one who broke down first.

"I will kill who ever made him do this to himself," I say to Robert, with nothing but truth ringing in my voice.

Robert manages a weak smile. "I don't doubt that you will Maryse, but for now I think we should just focus on Alec." He kisses the top of my head. "I'll sit up front and you can sit with him, I'll call the others to tell them- what happened." Roberts' voice broke as he said that last part.

I don't know what to say.

The only thing I could focus on is that there is a good chance that I might lose my son.

* * *

**Magnus:**

I have no idea who let Isabelle drive, but I have never been gladder for it. If anyone could get to the hospital in under ten minutes, that's including trying to bypass all the New York traffic at this time of the evening, it would be her.

It was probably dangerous to us to let her drive, considering she was a mess the whole way there, she hadn't stopped crying since we got the phone call from Robert telling us what Alec had done.

Everyone in the car had yet to stop crying.

Everyone bar me.

I couldn't cry, I was too numb and in shock to do anything but sit and stare at whatever was in front of me.

What made it worse was that I was the one Alec called when he did what he did. I heard him in pain, I heard him as he sliced into his own skin, trying to end his own life. I was the one he called when he did it because no matter what I had done to him, he for some reason still loved me.

It was my fault that he did this to himself. If I just hadn't listened to Camille in the beginning, Alec would still be okay now and he would be with me. I would keep him safe, there would be no way I would ever let him get to the point where he wanted to end his own life.

But the thing is... I did.

I never did anything to help him, thinking more of how I would get him back, how I would convince him to leave Noah and come back to me, despite everything that I did to him.

I guess I know something was wrong but I didn't try hard enough to be there for him. I am one of the people in this world that know Alec better than anything. I should've known that there was more than he was letting on. I should've doubled my efforts to keep seeing him, not just a couple of flimsy texts every day to make sure he didn't forget about me.

I should've done more.

Then he might've not been in this situation right now.

"Magnus, come on! we need to go!" Clary was all but pulling me from the car. It was only then that I saw that we had reached the hospital parking lot. They were all waiting for me to get out of the car, both Jace and Isabelle standing there anxiously. By this point, Jace was all but holding Isabelle up as she was one second away from a breakdown.

I shove myself out of the car, pulling out a bag of stuff with me. It was filled with spare clothes for Alec and other things he will need when he wakes... because he will wake.

I refuse to even think of Alec dying.

Clary takes my hand, knowing that I would need the comfort when we get in there.

"Are you going to be okay?" Clary asks as we all but sprint into the hospital behind Isabelle and Jace.

I shake my head, knowing that my heart is going to break when I see Alexander in that hospital bed.

"No. But I have to be because it's my fault. I need to face what I have done" I say before letting go of her hand and walking ahead so she can't try to tell me I was wrong because I know that she would've.

By the time I had caught up to Isabelle and Jace, we had already found out where Alec was. A nice nurse led us to the waiting room where Maryse and Robert were sitting.

"Mom," Jace calls when we get into the room.

Maryse's head snaps up when she hears Jace say her name. "Oh-" She sobs then is up in a flash, bringing Isabelle and Jace close to her in a hug.

"Where is Alec? is he okay?" Isabelle cries into her mother's shoulder. "Why did he do it." She sobs.

Maryse pulls back from her children and when I see her I have the sudden urge to throw up.

The whole front of her dress is covered in blood, more blood than I have ever seen in my life.

Clary is suddenly behind me, her arms coming around to hold me. It was only then that I noticed that I had started falling, my whole body was shaking and I no longer think I can trust my legs on their own.

Jace notices the problem, his eyes following mine until they fall onto Maryse's dress. He is quick to join Clary in helping me over to a chair.

Maryse closes her eyes in pain.

"Not all of Alec's injuries were brought on by himself." She tells us, her face turning angry at something. "He has split his head open in two places, bruised two ribs, broken one and that is putting danger on his life." Tears fall from her eyes. "He somehow has enough trauma to the chest that his lungs are bruised and filling with fluid making them swell, the more the swell, the more they push against the broken rib, risking the bone piercing his lung and killing him." She gasps in a breath. "He is so weak, it's hard for him to fight back because his body had lost so much blood- they say if the cuts he made don't kill him, then trauma could be too much and do it anyway." I can tell that she is trying to be strong but is finding it difficult.

"They are draining the fluid from his lungs and making sure that his rib is no longer at risk of piercing it. It's going to be dangerous as he is so weak but both Maryse and I have given him some of our blood, hopefully, that will make sure he is strong enough to make it through the night." Robert comes up to wrap his arms around Maryse, who falls into his arms.

"He can take my blood too! I'll give anything I need too!" Isabelle cries out, then looks around as if she wanted to find a doctor then and there.

Robert walks over and pulls his frantic daughter into a hug. "They told us that if they need any more they would come find us, but you'll need to be tested before you give anything, just in case." He tells her, soothing her slightly.

She leans into her father and closes her eyes as more tears slowly fall down her cheeks.

I block her out then, I just lean into Clary who had taken the seat next to me.

I do however listen in when Maryse begins to talk. "The police want to talk to us, they're investigating why Alec had obtained so many injuries." Her voice was clipped with anger. "They want to talk to you specifically, Magnus. You were the last one Alec called before he-" Maryse stops herself from saying the words. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before she is able to speak again. "What did he say to you?" She asks, her words sounding just as a desperate mother would sound.

I feel my whole body just turn to ice, my hands begin to shake as I think back to that phone call.

Clary held me closer, she obviously knew that this was hard for me as she, Isabelle and Jace were there when Alec called, we obviously didn't know what he had done at the time, but it was all the more haunting to me now that I know what he was doing.

"He- he called me to say he was sorry and that he lo-loved me." It seemed finally saying the words out loud was enough to bring the tears streaming down my face. My breathing turned to gasps as I tried to tell Maryse what had happened but I think I was too close to a full on panic attack to be much help.

She probably got the gist of it when I finally got out "He called me when he- I didn't know he was doing it but he called me when he tried to die!" Jace and Clary were both holding me now. Clary's hand was in my hair, stroking it back from my tear stained face. Jace just held me in that strong brotherly embrace he usually had for Isabelle and Alec.

Maryse gasped before coming over to kneel in front of me. She brought her hands up to frame my face, using her finger to wipe the tears from my eyes. "Magnus, oh I-" Maryse starts but doesn't seem to know what to say. What could she say? There was nothing for her to say because it was my fault that her baby was in there fighting for his life.

If I had never done what I did, fallen victim to my insecurities all because of some stupid manipulative bitch- then Alec wouldn't be in here right now.

He would still be working at becoming an author, he would be happy and not avoiding his friends and family. We would still be together and we could make each other happy.

I wanted to make sure Alexander was happy and that he never felt this way again! I couldn't bear the thought of Alec sitting there in that apartment all alone thinking that his only option in the world was to die.

It was heart-wrenching to know that out of everyone, he chose me to be the last person he spoke to.

"It's all my fault." I sob, finally breaking down, allowing everything that I had let build up on the way here to come spilling out. "I broke up with him- I saw the pain he was in an-and I-" it was hard to tell what was words and what was a sob now. "-He could die! because of me you could lose your son and I'm so sorry- I can't imagine how much you hate me, I'm sorry Maryse and I are sorry Robert for doing this to your child-" Maryse was staring at me with wide, pained filled eyes. "I can't believe I did this to your family."

I feel Clary rest her forehead against the side of my head. "Don't think that Magnus." She pleads into my ear.

Maryse tightens her hold on my face, forcing me to look her directly into my eyes. "You listen to me right now Magnus Bane." She snaps, her eyes filled with something intense. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I won't listen to you put yourself down. I know exactly what happened with you and Camille, you are just a victim in this whole thing. Just as much as Alec, and I know how much you care for my son- don't let this break you because you need to be there for him when he wakes up because he will. There is no way he is going to die when there are people here waiting on him who love him more than anything." Her thumb strokes across my cheek. "You need to be there when he wakes us to show him how much you love him. It might take a while, and there is going to be so much pain and healing along the way but you are both going to make it out of this- you are both so strong." Maryse smiles at me. "Magnus, you are family to me, you have been with us for so long, I love you like one of my own." She presses a kiss to my head.

Isabelle comes forward then too. " We don't blame you, Magnus. It's no single person fault. We all missed the signs that Alec was getting this bad." Isabelle sounded as guilty as I felt.

Jace speaks up next. "Magnus, you knew something was wrong. Better than anyone." He says, hugging me a little closer. "You are the one that came to me and said that something was going on. You came to me and said that you loved him and that you wanted to help him because it was clear that he was suffering. I know you couldn't do much because Alec wouldn't see any of us, Noah wouldn't let-"

Jace suddenly stops.

I pull out of his and Clary's arms, looking at him to see what had happened.

He was sitting staring at the floor, his eyes focused on the tiles as he faces pulled in concentration.

"Jace, darling what is it?" Maryse asks, turning her attention to her son.

We all watch as Jace looks up, looking us all in the eye before saying. "It makes perfect sense." He mutters then pushes up from his seat. "He came into our lives right when everything started going downhill for Alec." Jace fists his hands in his hair. "I'll kill him. If he is responsible for this then he is a dead man." Jace lashes out and kicks one of the chairs.

"Jace, calm down Son!" Robert reaches out to grab hold of Jace's shoulders, stopping him from going on a rampage around the room. "Just tell us what is going on, use your words," Robert says in an even voice and it's clear to me then that out of this whole thing, Robert is the one trying to keep strong for everyone else, I could see that he was breaking apart on the inside but on the outside he was trying to be the rock for everyone.

"It's simple Dad. Who is the one person that has come into our lives and messed it all up? who has been there with Alec all the times that we haven't seen him? Who doesn't want Alec to see Magnus or to see Me or Clary? The only person who is suspiciously not here right now?" Jace prompts to the room.

We all sit in silence, not really catching onto what he was on about.

That was until Clary gasped out, "Noah!"

A boiling hot rage filled inside of me at the mere mention of his name.

of course, it had to be him, who else would it have been?

Noah is the only one Alec see's almost every day, the one whose name he flinched at whenever Clary would mention him. Soon after Clary was then not allowed to see Alec just as much as I wasn't allowed too.

That mad had been controlling his life so who's to say that he wasn't the one who beat Alec half to death.

A thought suddenly accoutred to me.

What is Noah had been manipulation Alec into thinking bad things about himself? I wouldn't be surprised if not only Noah was possibly beating Alec, but also hurting his emotionally. It could explain why Alec was here now, sitting in a hospital bed after thinking himself so low enough to try and die.

"It has to be him." I snarl, my mood suddenly changing from devastated to complete anger. "Where is the bastard- I'll kill him myself if I have to." I jump up from my seat, almost knocking Maryse over.

"You won't have to, I'm right behind you." Isabelle looks like she was willing to kill right now.

Robert runs a hand over his head, obviously trying to think of a way to calm down his children before the go running off to commit murder.

He is saved from doing anything though when both a nurse and a police officer walk into the room.

The sight of the nurse seems to calm me down. It was my cousin, Catarina.

"Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood?" She asks, sending me a small sad smile when she notices me. "Your son is out of surgery and is now in a medically induced Coma, it will give his body time to heal from all the injuries he had received, old and new." She adds the last part in, confirming it in my head that Noah has been hurting Alec all this time.

"Is he okay? What about his lungs?" Maryse get's up from the floor.

Catarina smiles softly at her. "Your son is doing well, amazingly well for the trauma, he went through. He just needs time to rest and if possible some more blood? he lost more during the surgery and it would be easier for him to get blood from his loved ones rather than some stranger." Maryse nods her head eagerly.

Catarina and Maryse always got along, especially because they have known each other through Alec and me for so long. So Catarina knows Alec to some extent and knows how weird he can be when it comes to other people's blood.

"Perfect. Now, I am on break for the next two hours so I am going to find something fresh for you to wear. But whilst I am gone, this is Detective Aldertree, he will be running this case, he just wants to talk to you about what you know." Catarina explains before motioning for Aldertree to speak his piece.

"First I want to apologize for springing this on you now, considering the timing." He smiles sadly at Maryse and Robert. "But the quicker we do this then the quicker we find who is responsible-"

"We think we know who did it." Clary jumps up from her seat.

The detective turns to her. "You didn't let me finish young lady." He teases, making Clary shrink back towards Jace. "As I was saying." Aldertree crosses his hands behind his back before turning to give Catarina a nod of dismissal.

Catarina frowns at him slightly before turning to leave. "You won't be interrupted, there are orders to keep this waiting room private whilst the investigation goes on. Good luck, I'll see you soon." Catarina nods her head at Robert and Maryse before making her way out.

Once the door was shut, Aldertree motions for us all to sit down.

Everyone merges to sit in the one spot, all of us touching someone in comfort. Aldertree pulls up a chair to sit in front of us all.

"So, before this young lady interrupted me, I was going on to say that we have narrowed it down to one man as the guilty party but we have to ask you some questions about him." Aldertree places a brief case onto his knees that I hadn't noticed until now.

I watch as he opens up the case and holds out a photo.

I recognize it as Noah almost instantly. "Do you recognize this man to be Noah Pierce, the partner of your son?" He asks Robert and Maryse.

They both nod their heads, tears that are a mix of anger and sadness on their faces again.

"We found his DNA all over the clothing that Mr. Lightwood was wearing, there also seemed to be the DNA of someone else on the glass that was embedded in his skin after-" Aldertree stopped himself from continuing that sentence. I soon realized that he meant the attempt and was glad that he didn't say it.

He composed himself after a moment then put the picture back into the brief case before pulling out an evidence bag with Alec's phone in it. "We have gone through the logs on this phone, we have found that bar the call to a Magnus Bane, Mr. Lightwood had next to none sent out messages in months. We believe that Mr. Lightwood was not in control of his own phone, a common thing to happen in an abusive relationship." Aldertree explains.

"Are we sure that it was one hundred percent abusive?" Robert asks. It was the right thing to ask even though all the signs pointed to it being so.

Aldertree nod's. "Considering the evidence we've come across and the amount of old and healing wounds on your Sons body, we believe that it has been abusive for a while." This makes Maryse whimper. Robert pulls her close and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"What else did you find?" Robert asks. I notice his hands are shaking and that the neutral expression he is trying to keep in front of his wife is starting to waiver.

"Do you know of Mr. Lightwoods relations to a Magnus Bane?" Aldertree asks, making my stomach knot in fear.

"I'm Magnus Bane," I say, Making Aldertree turn to look at me.

His face turns sad as if he didn't want to say what he was going to say in front of me. "Mr. Bane, did you have a previous relationship with Mr. Lightwood?" He asks and I nod my head slowly.

"We dated for almost three years before breaking up a couple of months ago," I tell him, looking nervously at Clary beside me. "But we kept in contact for a while after that before Alec told me that we couldn't be friends anymore because it wasn't fair on Noah- but he was hurt at the time," I tell him, making Isabelle gasp. "It was the first time I saw him with an injury and I believed that it was purely accidental." Clary reaches out to take my hand.

Aldertree just nods his head slowly. "Well, that all makes sense." He places the phone back in the case. "Is there a possibility that Mr. Lightwood still felt something for you? romantically that is." Aldertree looks like he's beginning to understand a hard puzzle.

"He loves him. He never stopped." Clary says suddenly, making everyone turn to look at her. "Alec never got over Magnus, I know that because he told me that from the start." The words send a blazing hot knife through my heart. I think again of all the pain that I clearly saw in Alec.

"Given what you have told me, I believe that Mr. Lightwood's feelings for Mr. Bane caused this possessive side to Noah Pierce. It's common to see that in these cases, they become violent and like to tear down the walls of their partner until they believe that they aren't good enough. After a while of the abuse, they can believe that they are deserving of it. I guess you could call it Stockholm syndrome." I cover my face with my hands.

I now know that this was actually my fault.

Every single day and every time that I tried to reach out to Alec, it was causing him pain, causing him to pull away more and more because he was too afraid of seeing me get hurt.

I hated causing him pain.

I actually found it the most amazing feeling in the world when I managed to make him smile.

The best moment that came to my mind was the night of our first time.

Alec was so worried that he wasn't good enough and that I didn't enjoy myself. He believed because we were less experienced than I would be disappointed that he wasn't some sex god.

He didn't know that it was the best time I had ever had, only because it was with him. I had never had sex with someone that cares for me before, it was a surreal experience to have someone care for you and to protect you when you were in a such a vulnerable situation.

The morning after that was the best part. I didn't have to worry about Alec needing to run off to work or to go visit his family, we just spent the whole day laying on each other under the silken sheets of my bed, the fanciest thing in my loft at the time as it was so new. I remember just eating so much junk and watching lame but addicting shows that Alec would never admit having seen, including saying yes to the dress and plenty of shows about hoarders.

It's one of my favorite memories. Even though it wasn't something that many would consider an amazing day, but even though it was just a normal lazy day out of the hundreds we had. There was something about it that was different because it was the first time we bared our souls to each other.

It was a memory that I will keep close to my heart for as long as I live, but especially now with Alec lying in that hospital room.

During my trip down memory lane, the conversation had moved onto what could happen when the police locate Noah. This is something I am rather interested to hear about.

"- He could face some serious jail time. Considering how long the abuse might've been going on for, he also mentally abused your son into an attempted suicide- some would call that attempted murder, that and if Mr. Lightwood didn't try to do it himself and you hadn't found him, the extent of his injuries could've killed him." Aldertree explains. "We have plenty of evidence from neighbors who heard what had gone on in the apartment before we were called." I closed my eyes, not wanting to imagine what sort of noises someone would've had to of heard for them to have called the police. I don't want to imagine Alec in that much pain and distress.

Robert took hold of the situation again. "We will contact our best lawyers, I won't rest until that man is behind bars for what he did to my boy." Maryse held Robert closer, obviously hearing the tremor in Robert's voice as he spoke.

"That would be best, build up your case during the time it takes us to track down Mr. Pierce." Aldertree closes his brief case then stands from his seat. "I have to go back down to the station now, I'll keep you updated on what we know." He smiles softly at Maryse and Robert. "I'll find the man who did this to your son." He promises and I notice a strange tone to his voice as he speaks, I don't know what it is at first but then when his eyes turn to meet mine, all I see is understanding behind them. "No person who abuses their lover should be allowed to walk unscathed, I know perfectly how hard this must be for you so I will do all in my power to help."

It now makes sense. Why he looked so worried was because he must know someone who had been abused in the past.

"Did someone you know get hurt?" Maryse asks softly as if she were afraid to ask this in case Aldertree didn't want to talk about it.

She needn't of worried though as Aldertree nodded his head. "Yeah, my fiancé Ava." He explains and I'm suddenly very confused. What did he mean? was he the one that abused her?

Aldertree seemed to notice the confusion in the room because he was quick to explain himself. "She had an ex-lover, he wasn't happy when Ava left him for me. He used to abuse her when they were together- but when she left him, he went a little crazy and began to stalk her without us knowing, then-" Aldertree stops to take a breath. "He got angry when I proposed and she said yes... he waited until I had left for work one day then he snuck into the house and began to beat her for not being loyal- he beat her so badly that she-" Aldertree stopped then looked around the room.

He didn't seem to want to finish the story with us in the room. His hesitance made it clear what he was going to say, his fiancé died.

It was probably a good thing that he didn't say that to us, especially with Alexander still in a coma, fresh out of surgery.

Aldertree clears his throat. "Well... enough of that, I wish you luck with your son and I'll be in contact as soon as we know more." He goes to walk out of the room but then he suddenly stops and turns around. "Oh, the nurse forgot to say that you are free to go in and see your son now."

And with that he walks out of the room, leaving us all sitting in silence. I know that in each of our heads we were wondering who would get to go in and see Alexander first and how bad he would be.

It was going to be a lot to see him all beaten up.

But I had to be strong for him because I love him so much.

* * *

**Alec:**

My whole body hurts.

The pain in my middle hurt the worst. It was as if I was being stabbed every-time I breathed. I don't know what is was or why it was happening to me.

I can't even remember what had happened to me. I don't remember anything after the failed dinner with my parents. What happened to me from that time onwards.

How long had it been since then? Clearly, it must've been a while if my dry mouth and heavy limbs had anything to say about it.

I suddenly feel a slight pressure on my cheek, as if someone was resting their hand on it. For some reason, it hurt under my eye and across my cheekbone even though the touch was so light.

"Alec?" The word seemed like both a question and a statement at the same time.

The hand moved from my face to my hair, stroking the locks back as I struggle to open my eyes. There was so much light in the room and it sent a shooting pain through my head at the sudden brightness at it.

"Darling? Its Mom, open your eyes baby." The voice from before speaks again.

Something settles inside of me at the sound of her voice, something that I hadn't felt until now. It was almost as if I were afraid and the sound of my mother's voice seemed to soothe me like it would as a child and I'd wake from a nightmare.

I fight to open my eyes, trying to move past the pain that explodes in my head as I get used to the light in the room.

The bright lights all make sense when I see the large room filled with white furniture. The lights were on in the room even though, by looking at the window, it was late in the night.

Mom seemed to notice me struggling with the light because of a moment later I feel her hand move from my hair then seconds later the lights go off, leaving only a single lamp on in the room.

It makes everything feel slightly better and it allows me to focus on her.

"Mom? where am I?" I ask her as she comes to stand next to me.

Her hand comes up to stroke my cheek again, tears also start to suddenly build in her eyes. "You're in the hospital sweetheart." Mom whispers, sounding as if it were taking a lot of effort for her to talk.

I was confused.

Why in the world was I in hospital-

I sudden glance down at my arms, still resting on the bed, is all it takes for the memories to come rushing back to me.

My eyes snap up towards Mom again. Her tears suddenly make so much more sense.

"Mom I-" The words start to come out but are cut off by a sob ripping its way out of Moms' throat.

"Oh my baby, I'm so sorry that I didn't see what was happening. I should've been there to help you but I didn't even see what was going on." Both of her hands are cupping my face now and she is looking at me as if I were the most precious thing in the world. "I'm so sorry that I am never there until it's too late- I'm sorry that it has always been that way." Mom was openly crying now.

I didn't like to see her cry and I didn't like that I was the reason she was doing so now. I shouldn't be making her worry like this, why couldn't I have just not failed at the only thing I should've been.

How did I manage to screw up ending my own life, especially when I was already so injured in the first place? Noah was so right about me not being good enough.

Now I've made Mom worry and blame herself for what I did.

She shouldn't even care, I'm surprised she actually cares so much. I deserved for this to happen, I thought she would've agreed, now I'm just feeling tired and confused.

The door to my room suddenly opens and someone walks in carrying two travel cups of coffee.

"Dad made me promise to keep you hydrated if he let me stay." It was Isabelle.

She was looking a little worse for wear. It looked like she still had makeup on from days ago, her hair was shoved up into a bobble and she was wearing the clothes she only wore when she was upset or unwell. She also looked way beyond tired, worryingly so.

"Isabelle darling please call your father." Mom gasps out between a cry.

Isabelle looks at her teary face before moving her eyes towards me on the bed. It takes her a moment to notice but as soon as she notices that I was awake she was hurrying over to the bed.

"Alec!" she cries whilst shoving the coffee on the table next to the bed. "Never do that to me again!" Isabelle scolds before yanking me up into a hug. "I was so scared that you were going to die." She was crying into my neck. "Never- don't you ever do that to me again." Her words were spoken with anger but the way she was hugging me showed that she wasn't actually that angry at me.

I couldn't think of anything to say, I was so confused as to why they would be reacting this way. Noah made it clear to me that if I died they wouldn't care, yet here they are acting as if my death would break them.

I say the only thing I could think of saying that would get them off my back for now. "I'm sorry..." I mumble into Isabelle's shoulder.

Izzy pulls back sharply. "Oh big brother, you don't have to be sorry- I'm the one that's sorry for not noticing your pain." She pulls the blankets up further until they are resting on my shoulders.

"It's not just your fault Isabelle, I blame myself too, if only your father and I listened to Magnus, Clary, and Jace sooner, this might not have happened." Mom sighs sadly.

My attention snaps to her. "Magnus? what do you mean Magnus?" I ask, not fully aware that Magnus knew that I was in pain- he was so un bothered by it not too long ago.

Mom sits back in the chair whilst Isabelle gets up to sit next to me on the bed. "Magnus had been speaking with Clary and Jace for a while now, they all figured something was up but they had no evidence to prove anything so they tried their hardest to see you and to convince us that you were not happy." Mom informs me.

"Yeah, but according to Jace and Clary, they were not allowed to see you all because of that stupid, worthless-"

"Isabelle!" Mom cuts her off with a sharp snap of her name. "Not now, he has only just woken up." She orders, making Isabelle hang her head slightly.

I feel the sudden need to sit up and comfort her but as soon as I try, the pain in my middle gets worse. "Shit-" I regret my choice of words as I have never sworn in front of my mother before and I know she is not the fondest of that language. I couldn't help the word coming out of my mouth as I was in such pain.

"Don't try to sit up just yet, it's going to take some time for your ribs to heal." Isabelle pushes me gently back down onto the bed.

I look towards the general area of my ribs, I notice the blanket looks a little bulkier there and if I move, I could tell that there was something tightly wrapped around me. "What happened?" I ask, wondering to what extent my injuries go.

Mom takes my hand, turning it over on her own, showing me a couple of healing stitches on my hand. "You suffered a lot- most were just cuts and bruises but you broke and bruised some ribs, the blows to your chest made your lungs fill with fluid and press against the broken part of your rib. You split your head open in two places and cut open your hand in several spots- and there are of course the cuts on your wrists." Mom rattles off all of my injuries, her voice turning to a whisper as she states the last part as if she would rather not even mention those.

I nod my head slowly. Considering all of the injuries I have, I am slightly confused as to why I am even here right now. Surely there could've been no way as I remember losing so much blood before even passing out, so the blood loss added to all the other stuff Mom just told me about. I am surprised that I am not dead yet.

"How long have I been here?" I ask the both of them. I chose to ask this instead of the question I really wanted to ask them "Why didn't I die." as I don't think they would want to hear that right now, no matter how much that might confuse me.

Isabelle lounges back on her hands. "It's been three weeks since you were found, even since then you have been in a coma." She tells me.

Holy crap! Noah was going to be so mad at me!

I know he said that he didn't want anything to do with me, but this had happened before and he usually took pity on me when I sought out his forgiveness. But will he forgive me now? it's been so long and I would usually go to him only after a couple of hours, just to give him some time to cool down.

Oh god, he was going to be so mad at me when I get to him, I wasn't there to keep up with his housework or make him his meals- there was no way he was going to take me back now!

"I know what you are thinking," Isabelle states suddenly before sitting back up straight.

"Isabelle-"

"No. Mom look at him! He's about to combust with fear!" Isabelle shoots Mom a worried look before turning back to look at me. "Don't even think about it, Alec. You are never going back to him and as soon as the police find him he's going to court and hopefully getting a lot of time away." Isabelle promises.

My whole body goes cold.

They can't send him away! I need him! He was the only person I deserved and if they took him away then I would be lonely for the rest of my life whilst everyone around me moves on with theirs, leaving me behind.

"No," I say to her, my eyes filling with tears. "You can't take him away Izzy!" I reach for her hands, holding onto them tightly.

Isabelle stares at me in shock, obviously not expecting me to have said that.

"Alec darling, what do you mean?" Mom asks.

I turn to look at her. "Mom you can't take him away! I need him- I will be nothing without him! he's more than I deserve so you can't blame him for this!" Tears are freely falling down my face now, the terror setting in my stomach.

Isabelle gasps. "Alec! You cannot think that you deserve a piece of shit like Noah? He was beating you for months- emotionally hurting you until you thought that killing yourself was the only answer... can't you see how wrong that is?" Isabelle takes my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her.

I understood that if it were anyone else, what Noah was done would be enough to make me want him in jail, but not when it comes to me. I deserve everything that has happened to me, Noah just made it clear to me. They would all see that, they just needed time and I didn't want that time to be after Noah get's prison time because then they will regret it. They will see how right Noah was by doing what he did to me.

"He doesn't deserve jail, I deserved everything he gave to me- you'll see it at some point. You will see that Noah was right." I promise her, hoping that it will make her see and to make her listen to me.

It didn't work.

Both She and Mom just looked shocked and slightly disgusted.

"My poor boy- what has he done to you?" Mom strokes a hand down my face before standing up and walking out of the room.

I figured as much. Mom probably couldn't stand to look at me now that she knows how messed up I am. I just wish that she would see this then understand Noah.

Isabelle makes me face her again. "Alec, I could argue with you all night and will probably still not get anywhere so I am just going to let you know that I won't rest until I show you just how amazing you are and how Noah deserves to be locked away for what he has done to you." The look on Isabelle's face tells me that arguing would not be the smartest move, even though I know she is wrong. "And it won't just be me. It been Magnus' goal for a while now to show you how special you are." Isabelle smiles brightly.

I'm confused as to why Magnus would care. He broke up with me for someone else who he clearly loved and was way more pretty than I. He shouldn't be worrying about stuff like this, not when he has his own life to live with Camille.

"I know what you are thinking and no, you are wrong. Magnus and Camille have not been a thing for just over three months now." She tells me suddenly. "She cheated on him with some college football player. We were going to tell you but Noah wouldn't let us see you."

I feel the rage building up inside me at Camille. How dare she do that to someone like Magnus, someone who deserved the world and more. He didn't deserve to be used and thrown away like a piece of trash. No stupid college frat boy would ever match Magnus' standards. If anyone deserved jail time, it was her for hurting Magnus.

"He'll be so excited to see that you are awake, you really had him worried after that phone call." Isabelle seemed to be hinting at something, and I wouldn't have understood what she was talking about unless she hadn't mentioned the bit about the phone call.

God how could I have been so stupid to have called Magnus when I was in that situation. That was so selfish of me! I know that I still loved him and that I wanted his voice to be the last voice I heard as It soothed away all the fears I felt before bringing that glass down onto my skin.

But to have called him to say that I still loved him, when at that point I thought him to be with another. That was probably one of the most selfish things I could have done to him. I know that probably against his better judgment, Magnus wanted to still be my friend and hadn't given up on me, so I know he would feel guilty. I know that it was selfish of me to put him in that position, especially when not months ago I was telling him that we couldn't be friends anymore. I ignored him for months, yet called him when I needed him, I was never there for him in those months. Now that I know he had trouble with Camille, I should have been there for him but I'm so pathetic that I only made it worse by being too scared to leave Noah's side. I lost the man I loved the most because I was too afraid- then I decided to contact him when I thought him worth the time.

Why doesn't he hate me?

Actually, he probably does but just feels obligated to come and see if I were okay because he was the last person I decided to call before trying to end my own life. He would probably shut me out and tell me he hated me as soon as he saw I was okay. Everyone would probably understand that and not be angry when he leaves.

I would understand him and I would not be angry to see him go.

Heartbroken might be the better word.

"Your father and Jace are on their way. Lydia is traveling over to look after Max whilst they are here." I hadn't even noticed Mom come back into the room.

Her eyes were looking puffy and a little dark underneath.

"Mom, you should go to sleep," I say to her once she sits down next to the bed.

Mom looks at me with wide eyes for a moment then chuckles. "It would be you to worry about me whilst you are sitting in a hospital bed after almost dying." She runs a hand over her face. "Don't worry about me Alec, I know when I need to sleep." Mom holds out a hand towards Isabelle, who stares at it for a moment.

"What?" She questions, a little confused as to what Mom wants.

Mom just answers with a nod towards the bedside table, where he cups of coffee still sit. "Ohh, I forgot about those." Isabelle reaches out and grabs a cup from the table. "Whilst you drink this, I should probably go tell someone that Alec is awake," Isabelle suggests as she hands the cup over to Mom.

The suggestion seems to snap Mom out of a daze. "Oh! of course, thank you, Isabelle." Mom stands from her seat. "I will find one of the doctors, why don't you grab another two coffees for when your brother and father get here." Mom takes a large sip from her coffee, making me wince as I could still see the heat radiating from the cup but she didn't seem to care.

Isabelle nods her head once before bouncing off the bed.

As they both leave the room, I lay back against the pillows, suddenly feeling exhausted again.

My mind was going crazy over the thoughts of what Noah is going to say to me and what will Magnus do when he comes by and realizes that he hates me for doing what I just did to him.

Each horrible thought seems to make my head throb in pain. I hated all this worrying and I hated that I was the cause of everything that was going on. I should've just stayed quiet and not called Magnus, then I would have succeeded in my attempt to die and this wouldn't be happening right now.

My broken and beaten body was still clearly exhausted because I managed to fall asleep before the doctor even came in to check on me.

* * *

The next time I woke up, it was daylight outside and there was more than just Mom and Isabelle here with me.

It seemed to all my family and their significant others were all littered around my room. Each of them looked nervous and jittery, Isabelle looked guilty and a little scared.

I noticed Clary and Jace were sitting away from the others, their heads bent low together whilst they were talking to someone on the phone. It seemed like a really private conversation due to the way they were sitting as if they were trying to block all sound from reaching the others.

It made me a little suspicious.

I didn't dwell on it though because a sudden dry pain in my throat was telling me that I needed a drink and I needed one now.

I look to my side to see that Mom was back in the seat she was in last night. She looked a little better than she did so I'm guessing someone made her sleep.

Her hand was softly stroking over mine, but her eyes were on the bandages that covered my arms. Her face was sad and regretful, I knew she was blaming herself for my decision to do what I did, and I hated that she was still so blind to see that what I tried to do was for the better good. I hoped that now that I was awake, she might've had time to think it over and decide that I was right. It seems that she hasn't yet.

As my throat was so dry, I couldn't find the words to speak to her. My tongue almost sticking to the roof of my mouth. So instead I just turn my hand over so I could hold hers on my own.

It makes Mom jump out of the little trance she was in, her eyes snapping to mine.

"Darling! oh, I'm so glad you are awake again." Mom holds tightly onto my hand.

I manage to give her a small smile that makes my lips crack and hurt. I move my head to the side, looking towards where the tray of water sat untouched with two cups next to it.

"I'll get it for you, Alec!" Little Max hurries to the side of the bed, eager to pour me a glass of water.

"Slow down Max, you don't want to spill it." A deeper voice says from the other side of me. I look to find the source, only to find Dad standing over me. It looked as if he had just stood up, by the way, he was pushing the chair back with his legs and leaning onto the bed.

He rests a hand on my head without saying anything. His eyes just look me over again and again, as if checking to make sure I was still there.

For some reason, his silent fear was worse than Mom's vocal one.

It made me feel even worse than they all thought that I was worth saving. I could see the fear in my father's eyes as he looks down at me. It was the type of fear that hit me deep down inside, the kind of fear that I wanted to protect my whole family from.

And it just made it all the more confusing to me.

"Drink up son." Dad had reached out and taken the glass from Max who couldn't quite reach the bed properly. There was a clear white straw sitting in the cup, he holds it out and I eagerly take it into my mouth and begin to gulp it down quickly.

By this time, Isabelle, Lydia, Jace, and Clary had joined us all around the bed. Clary and Jace must've hung up the phone when I woke up, but for some reason they were still holding themselves a little weird, it looked a little shifty to me.

As soon as I had drunk all of the water, Dad handed it back to max to re fill.

"Thanks." I croak out before coughing to clear my throat. It hurt my ribs a little but someone must've given me something for the pain be a little less intense.

"How are you feeling mate?" Jace asks. His eyes look a little teary as he asks me, but it looks like is trying so hard not to say anything that will set me off.

I take the second glass of water that was offered to me, taking a small sip from it before answering him. "I'm okay, just a little sore," I answer, trying not to dwell on this part of the conversation. I didn't want to go into telling them about how my wrists throb slightly whenever I move them.

"Good- that's uh... good." Jace looks at Clary, both of their faces guilty.

I look around the room to see that everyone was looking a little suspicious. "What is it?" I ask them, making them all panic slightly at being caught.

No one said anything.

I was starting to get a little annoyed. "What's happened? Why are you not telling me?" I press on.

Clary goes to open her mouth but is beaten to it when another voice speaks from the doorway. "You couldn't have kept quiet until I got here?"

Through a gap in between Lydia and Jace, I could see, standing at the door in all his glory.

Magnus Bane.

The sight of him makes it just that little bit harder to breathe.

He looked so good, despite the fact that he didn't have his usual flair about him. He looked a little more tired than he usually did and his hair was a little flat. I knew from all the years that I have known him that this isn't a good sign.

"We didn't tell him." Isabelle was quick to defend herself. "He's just not stupid enough to not see how guilty we all look." She finishes before sending me an apologetic look.

I glare back at her. What were they hiding from me?

"You shouldn't have to feel guilty about it." Magnus almost growls as he steps further into the room. "It's not your fault that the bastard did this to him."

Magnus' words make everything clear and I suddenly know who they are talking about. "What did you do?" I look from Isabelle to Mom. They both know more than anyone that I didn't blame Noah for this and I knew that he did it for good reason... why did they ignore me? I told them specifically that I couldn't lose Noah- that this wasn't his fault.

"We did what we had to do Alec. Just because you don't think it to be true, what Noah did to you was sick and cruel." Dad sounded stern as if he were telling off a five-year-old. It made me shrink back into the pillows.

"But he didn't do anything wrong!" I fight back, tears building in my eyes.

A hand gently rests on my leg. I look to the source to find Magnus looking at me with a look so intense, it made it hard for me to look away.

"Darling..." Magnus starts then stops in favor of looking around the room. "Do you mind giving us a moment alone?" He asks suddenly and I feel my heart fall to my stomach.

This is the moment I wasn't looking forward to. This is the moment where Magnus tells me that he doesn't want to see me again after the stunt I pulled.

Mom nods her head once then gestures for the rest to move along out of the room.

I notice Magnus send her a thankful smile. Perhaps Magnus will be able to convince Mom that it might be better to just leave me as I am, and not to bother taking Noah to jail.

Once everyone had left and the door was shut behind them, Magnus walks up the bed until he is able to sit in the seat that Mom just vacated.

Surprisingly, Magnus takes my hand in his.

"Alexander. I want you to know that we are all here for you and that we all care so much about you... do you understand?" Magnus asks, one of his fingers begins to move in a circular motion against the back of my hand.

I stare at him for a moment before nodding my head, the feeling of confusion from before is coming back at full force.

"Good." Magnus smiles softly. "Now, you know that we only want what's best for you and right now, what is best for you, is to make sure that Noah is as far away from you as possible." I freeze.

Was Magnus the same as the others? I don't understand... he had more reason than anyone else to hate me right now.

"No-"

"Ah, darling- I know you might not be able to see it, but Noah is a sick man who has been hurting you for months... he's twisted your mind into thinking you are not worth love." His hold on my hand tightens slightly until it's almost painful.

"B-but it's true?" I say, tears are forming in my eyes again and I feel my head throbbing at all the stress. "I don't deserve love and you- You are all confusing me!" I cry, trying to pry my hand from his, but he refuses to let go.

"Alexander Lightwood. You listen to me right now." Magnus' reaches up to take hold of my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "You do deserve love! I have never met someone who deserves it more than you, and I just wish you could see that. I wish you could see yourself in the way I do, because if you did then we wouldn't be having this problem right now." I notice that tears were also building in his eyes.

"I don't understand," I say softly, my voice coming out in a whisper.

Magnus' laughs softly. "It's so clear my darling. I wish you could feel how much I regret ever leaving you. I wish you could feel how much I love you."

I freeze.

His words start to spiral around in my head, my brain not seeming to understand them. this didn't make any sense... how could he say he loved me? after all, Noah had said... was Magnus just playing some game with me?

That had to be it.

There was no other reason for him to have said that to me. He must be so done with me that he has decided to have some fun with me after all I have put him through, I guess he deserves to have this much.

It didn't mean that it didn't hurt something deep down within me. Something that I had never felt before had just broken, it's as if my broken heart from before was just a slight crack but now it was just a full on shatter.

"Why-" My voice breaks as I try to ask him.

"Why?" Magnus asks, his smile falling from his face. "Why what darling?"

I tug my hand free from his own, bringing both of my hands up to cradle my head, the pounding pain from before is just getting worse the more this conversation goes on.

"Why are you saying these things? trying to hurt me- Noah was right..." My breathing starts to quicken.

I needed to find Noah now- before they could take him away from me and I'm just left as Alec Lightwood, the man that wasn't good enough for the love of Magnus Bane.

"Alec- I'm not trying to hurt you? I love you and I mean it." Magnus' hands come up to cover mine.

"No- no you can't! I'm not good enough- you deserve so much more than me." I cry into my hands. The pain from my head next to the fact that I couldn't breathe was making my vision begin to darken and I felt dizzy. I knew I was going to pass out and there was no stopping it- I just wish it would hurry up and happen already.

"No Alec! you are so perfect... please, believe me, baby, I love you more than anything in this world... don't focus on what Noah has said to you. Listen to me." Magnus was trying to get me to move my hands but at this point, I don't think I was really aware of much.

Suddenly I was awake one moment then asleep the next.

* * *

I spent a further two weeks in hospital after my episode with Magnus.

After that, I was taken home by Mom and Dad, they moved me into my childhood bedroom as it was deemed unsafe for me to go live on my own again.

I found out from Mom that Noah had been found and taken into a holding cell for a week, but he was then released on house arrest until it was time for us to go to court.

I spent the whole of the two weeks trying to convince Mom and Dad that this was a mistake, but they wouldn't listen to me.

The past week had been even more confusing as I was given a therapist. She would say all these things that made me second guess everything that Noah had ever told me. I once even caught myself thinking that Noah might've been wrong and that I did deserve everything he said I didn't.

I was quick to correct myself though because I knew that of Noah found out I was thinking this way, he would be angry with me. I didn't need him to be angrier than he already was. It was going to be hard enough as it was to try and make up for all the mistakes I've made.

Isabelle and Jace took turns staying over at Mom's just in case I decided that I needed to talk to someone.

It was still confusing me to see them put themselves in this much trouble just for me, I still couldn't wrap my head around someone really caring that much for me.

Speaking of caring.

Ever since that day in the hospital, Magnus had taken it upon himself to visit me every day. Each time with something that was once my favorite thing. Each of this things was something that Noah didn't like me to spend my time on. I was so afraid to turn them away,

So instead of turning them away, I spent each time Magnus was there, reading the books I had loved all of my life and eating my favorite foods that Noah had deemed too unhealthy for me.

It was the best time I had had for a while and that just served in making me more confused than ever. It seemed as if Magnus wanted me to have fun and do the things I wanted to do, it was as if we had never been apart. It was making me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time.

I didn't like it though because it felt as if I was betraying Noah and everything that he had done for me. He made me see what I was really worth and it's thanks to him that I know where my place is in this world.

It didn't stop me from feeling something amazing whenever Magnus would come around.

Today was no different.

I had just opened the door to look find him standing on the doorstep, holding something behind his back.

"Darling, I'm so glad to be coming to see you here rather than the hospital." Magnus gently touches my arm. "It's a little nostalgic, don't you think?" He asks with a smile, I couldn't help but return a smile back.

He was right. This reminds me of the days when he would come by to meet me after school or to spend the night watching films with Isabelle, Jace and I until we all fell asleep curled together.

I think that was the time when I really started to fall for Magnus, I just waited too long to tell him and now it's not returned.

"Yeah," I mumble quietly.  
  
I never really knew what to say to Magnus anymore. I had become a little awkward around him ever since my little breakdown in the hospital. He never really brought it up but I could tell he was being a little wary and trying not to set me off.

"I brought us food, free food actually." Magnus steps into the house and holds out the white bag.

I look down at the bag to see a very familiar logo staring back at me, for some reason it made me smile.

"I- I haven't had it in so long." I reach out for the bag.

Magnus smiles brightly and hands it back to me. "I know darling, and so do they, that's why it was free." Magnus laughs. "It really is the best Italian place." I couldn't help but smile back at him, the most real smile I have given anyone in so long.

"Thank you," I say to him in almost a whisper. His face morphs into something I can only describe as found, it was a look that I had received so many times over the years, so it was a little weird to be seeing it.

I try not to panic slightly when Magnus steps slightly closer to me. His hand takes my free one, linking our fingers together. "You deserve it, Alexander, you don't have to thank me." He says, staring right into my eyes as he says it, trying to make sure I understood what he meant.

I did understand, it didn't mean that I agreed with him.

I duck my head, not wanting to look into his eyes anymore. They were one of my favorite things about him and the more I looked, the more I wanted to give in to my selfish nature and just fall for him again.

I couldn't do that to him. No matter how much he may try to convince me. It will probably not be that long until he figures out I'm not the worth the bother and I'll be heartbroken all over again.

"Shall we?" Magnus gently tugs on my hand, pulling me in the direction of the living room. I guess we are going to be watching a movie again.

I know exactly what he was going to put on. It's the movie he always put on whenever I was feeling unwell or stressed from work. It was my guilty pleasure film that I wouldn't admit to actually linking because Jace will probably laugh at me, but I know that he cried at it the first time he saw it.

"So, Moulin Rouge?" Magnus asks, turning on the TV before setting the bag of food on the table.

I have to admit I do feel a little fluttery in the stomach as I watch Magnus set out all the food for us whilst the TV waits for him to put on my favorite film. It makes me feel like he actually cares about me enough to go through all the trouble of trying to make me feel better.

"Yeah..." I fall back against the sofa, just trying to make sense of all of this and trying to remind myself that this can't be true.

But, for the first time ever, I find myself unable to think of all the harsh words Noah had ever spoken to me. Usually, they were spiraling around in my head all hours of the day.

Now, however, Noah seemed like a distant memory of a long forgotten time. I could only focus on Magnus and all that he had done for me to try and prove how he felt. It was scary to think of, and it terrified me to the bone thinking about him leaving me again, after all this effort. I don't think I would survive him leaving again.

"Alexander?" I look up to see Magnus staring fondly down at me, holding out a plate full of my favorite pasta. "I really splashed out and got all your favorites." Magnus looked proud of himself and I couldn't help but smile back after taking the plate from him.

I suddenly speak without fully thinking about it. "Can it really be called 'splashing out' when it was free?" Magnus freezes then turn to look at me with wide eyes.

Fuck.

I messed up now, fuck he is going to be so angry at me for the cheek. I didn't- know I couldn't have him angry at me!

Suddenly Magnus laughs.

His hands fly to cover his mouth and his eyes water slightly. "There he is... there is my Alexander." Magnus comes over and gently touches my cheek "I'm sorry- it's just... I missed you so much." One tear fell from Magnus' eye.

I couldn't help but to reach out and wipe it away for him, not really aware of what I was doing.

Magnus reaches up to take that hand in his, holding onto it tightly. "I know you don't believe me yet, but I swear to you Alexander, I love you more than anything else in my life and I won't rest until you see that." Tears were now streaming down his face and his eyes were begging me to understand him.

Part of my brain wanted to. It wanted to believe him so badly but I knew that I would just be selfish if I did, I couldn't drag him down to my level.

"I have to go." I pull away from him sharply. My mind was set only on one place that I needed to be.

I couldn't do this to Magnus and I couldn't have myself forgetting that this was all wrong of me, I shouldn't be with him because I'll just be holding him back.

I wanted to believe it so badly but my heart was crying out for me to just give in, to listen to what Magnus was saying and just fall into his warm and safe embrace.

I hear Magnus jumping up behind me as I almost run out of the room. I grab the closest pair of shoes I could find and a jacket, that I think might be Jace's before bolting out the door.

I heard Magnus calling my name, his voice filled with worry as he watched me run out into the street.

The good thing about living in New York is that you are never far from a cab if you need one.

Lucky for me one was sitting right outside of the house and I had two crisp twenty dollar notes in my back pocket.

I yank open the car door, startling the poor driver inside it, almost making him drop lunch all over his lap.

"Drive please," I beg, hoping he would go before Magnus caught up to me. He wasn't that far behind.

The man grumbles and swears under his breath before setting his lunch onto the open seat beside him. I slam the door shut just as the driver starts to pull out, it was just in time because f it was any later Magnus would've reached the car.

"Where are you in such a hurry?" The man grumbles, ignoring how weird I was acting.

I heard Magnus give one last shout of my name before we drive too far away from him. I felt bad for doing this but he would understand one day, I don't know when, but I know he will be.

I don't pay much attention to anything after mumbling an address to the taxi man. He doesn't say much to me after that, I could tell he was still pissed at me for interrupting his lunch. I don't know why he didn't turn me down in the first place if he was going to be this mad about it.

It doesn't take that long for me to arrive at my destination. It was surprising because usually, the traffic was bad during this time of the day. The driver must've taken the quickest route to get me out of his car faster.

It was only about 6 dollars in the end but for some reason, I just threw the lot I had at him, perhaps that will make up for me ruining his lunch. His face sure seemed to make it look that way.

I didn't stick around to apologize though, I had more important things to do before anyone realized where I had gone.

I walk through the gate of the complex, the garden was overgrown and filled with litter. It wasn't the nicest place to live, compared to the other complexes around.

I walk to the side of the house down a small alley, knowing that's where the person I needed would be.

I take a deep breath before walking up the steps that would lead me to his door.

For some reason, the door swings open as soon as I approach it.

Standing there is Noah.

His face was filled with anger but there was a cruel smile on his face.

"I knew you would be back you fucking freak." He snarls then he is flying forward.

A hand is suddenly around my neck, pushing me hard into the wall behind me. The rough stone pressing hard into my head and back, causing pain to burst behind my eyes. The force of my head hitting the wall makes me feel a little sick but it's nothing I couldn't handle.

"I fucking told you. I told you to kill yourself and you managed to fail the one thing you were probably good at." Noah tightens his hand around my neck.

Tears fall from my eyes. His words hurt more than they usually did and I don't know why they had never really sunk in this much.

He was supposed to be right but a large part of me wanted to fight back, to push him off me and tell him to fuck off and that people did love me.

I didn't understand it.

"Answer me freak!" Noah yanks me forward then slams me back again. "What gives you the right to come back to my house after all you have done to me?" He is spitting with anger now, I had never seen him look so angry. "I should kill you myself for what you did to me!"

My eyes widen in fear as all of my oxygen is cut off, his eyes are mad and the smile on his face was cruel.

Suddenly I finally see the man Noah is, and I am terrified that it might be too late for me.

That's until a fist comes flying out of nowhere, sending Noah flying to the ground.

I gasp in air, my knees starting to buckle under me as I try my hardest to get in as much air as possible.

"Darling? are you okay?" Warm arms are suddenly wrapping around my body, holding me close to them.

I rest my head on the shoulder of the person, hiding my face in the fabric of their clothing before bursting into tears. "Shh darling, I have you. I won't let him hurt you ever again." I lift my head from the person's shoulder to see that it was Magnus.

"What-" I start to ask him.

"The taxi wasn't all that hard to follow my love." He soothes, running a hand through my hair. "The police and an ambulance are on their way." Magnus kisses my forehead and for the first time in a long time, I allow myself to feel something from the small gesture.

I don't know what it was, perhaps it was seeing the cold and vicious look in Noah's eyes, but I was finally starting to believe that Noah was wrong, anyone who was capable of trying to murder someone was wrong in my eyes.

Magnus gently rests me against the wall. "Give me a moment sweetheart, I'll be right back and I'll never leave you after that." He kisses my head again before backing up, his eyes turning mad.

Suddenly he is picking up Noah with one hand and slamming him against the wall across from me.

"If you ever dare- or even think about coming near him or hurting him again, I will kill you." My eyes widen, I've never seen this side of Magnus before. "You are a pathetic excuse for a human and I hope you rot in prison." Noah actually looked afraid of Magnus for a moment before that cruel smile grows on his face again.

"You think I care about that worthless freak?" Noah laughs loudly. "Please- like I would ever low myself to-"

"Think your next words over carefully or it won't be the police you are leaving here with." Magnus snarls. "The only worthless person here is you- I actually feel bad for you and whoever hurt you enough to make you act this way. I can't believe you would make someone as amazing as Alexander think he doesn't deserve love... well here's a not so secret for you." Magnus glances to the side just as a cop car and an ambulance turn up. "I love him, more than anything in this world so you better stay the fuck away from him or your time in jail will be all the more difficult." Magnus snatches his hand away just as the police reach them.

Magnus pays them no mind as he comes back to kneel beside me. His arms wrap around me, holding me and offering silent comfort.

"Thank you." I say breathlessly, "for everything- I didn't see- not until he..."

"It's okay sweetheart I have you now, he'll never lay another hand on you." Magnus presses small kisses to my hair, holding me tightly. "I mean it every time I love you- even if you can't-"

"I can," I whisper before moving my head to look at him. "I can believe you- it will take time but I will believe you because no matter what happened... I still love you too." Magnus lets out a breathy laugh/sobs before pulling me close and leaning his head on mine.

"Oh my darling, I'm so sorry for everything, I should've never left you." His hands frame my face, both of us ignore the paramedics standing at the side, waiting for us to finish so they could get to me.

"I still love you-" I whisper again. "It's going to be hard to get over all the thoughts he's put into my head, but I know that I love you and that over time I'll grow to believe you." Magnus nods his head against mine.

"That's why I'm here baby, I'm never going to leave you again and I will spend every day of my life proving that. That includes all the good and bad days." He uses his hands to bring my face up so we could meet eyes.

I stare into his eyes for a single moment before plucking up the courage to lean forward and press my lips to his.

For some reason, it felt like coming home.

But I guess that was true.

Magnus was my home.

And I had him back... I had him back with me!

Sure it was going to be hard, who knows if tomorrow I'll even remember ever feeling this way.

But it will be worth it if I could have the love of my life with me again.

So worth everything.


	6. Chapter Six

 

**Chapter Six-**

***1 Year later***

**Alec:**

I have decided that moving house is one of the things I hated doing most in the world. Especially since it was so long overdue.

It had been a year since I had moved back in with my parents, and during that time I decided to keep my apartment even though I could barely be in it for a couple of hours without freaking out. It's the reason I would never go there alone, if I did I could find myself stuck having a panic attack.

But it seemed that whenever I went alone, Magnus would find out about it and he would find me. He would be there if I began to panic. He would whisper reassurances into my ear.

But now I was ready to leave that place behind and move on with my life. I couldn't fully move on with it in my life, it was a constant reminder of that low part of my life. I thought it would be all over after Noah was charged and sentenced to eleven years in jail. I guess it helped that the judge had a brother that had been abused in a relationship.

The judge even gave me her brothers number just so I had someone to talk to about all of this, he was called Simon and we got along okay. We got along even better when I brought him and his boyfriend to a lunch I was having with the others, only to find out that Simon and Clary had been best friends since they were children, and Magnus had known Raphael for just about the same amount of time.

Simon was currently here with me now.

"Hey, Alec?" He asks, peeking his head around the corner of my bedroom door. "What do you want me to do with the stuff from the cupboard in the living-room?" He asks, taking me by surprise.

I look up from the pile of clothes I had been sorting through, turning my head to look at him. "Oh... I forgot all about that." I say, remembering the last time I ever went in there was to hide the box of memories Magnus had given me when he left me. There is no doubt still a large fist sized dent in the door from when I punched at it.

I push myself away from the bed, walking over to stand next to Simon. "It's filled with all my important memories," I tell him before pushing past him into the short hallway that would lead me to my living-room.

"Oh cool! Can we go through the memories? I love doing stuff like that." Simon follows behind me, a ball of energy as usual. He actually somehow gets in front of me, almost running to open the closet door.

I reluctantly smirk at his eagerness because I know if Raphael were here, he would be telling Simon off for being so intrusive. I didn't care that much that Simon wanted to go in there, the only thing I wasn't too keen on seeing is the little bits and bobs that used to live with Magnus.

I still can't believe I haven't gone through the box to see what was in it, as I have no idea what is in it, to begin with.

As I arrive next to Simon, the front door opens and in walks Raphael and Magnus themselves. Raphael looked as moody as he did whenever I would see him after work, and Magnus just looked tired as he struggled with the ascot around his neck.

"Look who finally showed up to help." Simon teases once he catches sight of his boyfriend making his way further into the apartment. Raphael just scoffs at Simon before making his way over to him, pressing a light kiss to his cheek in greeting.

"Looks like you've done a good job of it so far," Magnus observes as he closes the front door before shrugging his jacket off and laying it across the arm of the sofa. "Hello darling, how are you?" Magnus asks softly before coming over to wrap his arms around my waist.

The question seems pretty normal, but I knew it was him silently asking how I was handling spending so much time in here. I knew he was worried about me coming here on my own, even though I kept telling him I would be okay because Simon was here. He still worried, he hated this place as much as I did, for good reason.

"Perfect, now that you're here," I answer, turning in his arms to look down at him. I feel a slight spark of fear go through me as I realize how bold I just was, what if that annoyed him? It was something I would use to do before everything happened and it always worried me when I just let things blurt out like that.

Magnus must've known what I was thinking because a moment later he is placing his hand on my cheek, stroking along my cheekbone with his finger. "I know what you mean, just seeing you have made my day a million times better." He tells me softly, but I can see a serious look in his eyes, telling me that this was the truth and to stop thinking otherwise.

I duck my head to rest against his, my body seeming unable to think of something else to say to let him know that I believed him. Usually, when I would get like this, I would hug him or just hold him to let him know that I understood.

"We should get started, Isabelle and Jace will be here in two hours to help take everything home." Magnus leans up to press a kiss to my lips, just a soft one, but still amazing nonetheless.

"Yes! I can't wait to dig in here... you sure do have a lot of memories in here Alec." Simon breaks the spell that Magnus and I had found ourselves under.

Magnus ducks his head away from mine, to get a better look at what Simon was on about. His eyes widen brightly and he smiles when he sees what it is. "Alexander, I didn't know you even kept half of this stuff!" Magnus lets go of me in favor of walking over and shoving Simon and Raphael out of the way.

He leans into the closet and pulls out a small white and blue box. He opens it to reveal the corsage I got him when we decided to go on a "friend" date to the prom, even though Magnus had plenty of other people who wanted to be with him on that night.

"Aw! I remember when you gave this to me." Magnus strokes it fondly. "I remember how embarrassed you were because you didn't know what to get and got me one with fake flowers because that's what the woman told you." Magnus coos, making Simon snicker behind his hand.

I smile as I remember the moment I gave it to him. "Please, I was not the one who was the most embarrassed in that moment." I counter, he looks up to meet my eyes. "I remember how flushed you were, at the time I thought it was because as soon as I gave it to you, that was the moment you realized how embarrassing it was going to be...showing up with me," I mumble the last part before looking down at the floor.

Magnus just laughs fondly. "Even if I was my love, It wouldn't matter because I would've seen how adorable we were anyway." I look up to see Magnus placing the box into one of the empty packing boxes around the room. After he made sure it was safely in there before reaching into the closet to pull out two tacky and shiny plastic crowns, one of which was a tiara. I suddenly understood what Magnus was getting on about. "I mean, who would be embarrassed to be with the guy who won prom queen even though he was a man?" Magnus giggles before coming over to perch the tiara on my head. "I remember the shock when your name was called to come join me as my queen." He places the kings crown on his head.

"Wait wait wait!" Simon interrupts us again, his hands flailing in excitement. "Alec was voted prom queen! that is the best and coolest thing I have ever heard! I wish that happened with us, I would've been a great queen." He pulls out his phone suddenly and before we could stop him, he was snapping a picture of Magnus and I. "Your sister is going to hell to pay for not telling me about this sooner." Simon begins to text someone, Isabelle probably, and I can just tell that this picture is going to blow up and framed by someone. That someone will either be Magnus or Isabelle, maybe even both.

I look at Raphael to see him shaking his head fondly at Simon's rambling. It's good that Raphael finds some of Simon's annoying rambling, cute. It's a sure sign that the two of them are going to last.

"Okay, well that's enough of memory lane for now." I gently pull off the crowns from both my head and Magnus'. I place them on the table, next to the things I intend to bubble wrap before putting in boxes. My eyes linger on the corner of the table, as they often do whenever I am around the object. Just the look of it leaves a phantom pain in the back of my head.

I shake off the feeling quickly.

Magnus takes my hand, knowing exactly what was going on in my head. His hand is like a comforting weight that shows me that I am going to be okay. He is my anchor and he always seems to know when my mind needs to be stopped.

I honestly don't know how I would've gotten this far without making the choice to trust the fact that he loved me.

And even though it is hard sometimes, I know it's all going to be okay in the end because I have Magnus here with me, and he loves me, no matter what I may think of myself.

I just had to remember that and I think I'll be okay.

* * *

It's been confirmed, that packing to move is the worst thing in the world.

The only upside about it is that as soon as it was all moved, I was able to unpack up and surround it with the belongings of the man I loved.

I can't believe Magnus and I have officially moved in together. This is something that always seemed to be brought up before the breakup, everyone wondered when it was going to happen, but we had never really thought about doing it officially. We already had so much of our stuff at each other's homes anyway, and with the amount of time spent staying with each other, we just didn't really think about making it official as we were so comfortable with what we were doing.

Now though, I couldn't imagine not living with him, and I've only been living with him for about four hours. It hasn't even been that romantic, considering the first two hours were spent with Jace and Isabelle helping us unpack whilst Raphael and Simon cooked dinner in the kitchen, all of them also decide to occupy their time with making dirty jokes about us moving in together.

The most popular joke was that now we were together, we had the chance to christen the rooms in the house.

I think they forgot that Magnus has had this place for a while, the whole christening of this house was done a long, long time ago.

Neither Magnus or I thought it best to remind them of this fact. It didn't seem like it would be appropriate to say when we probably would be doing exactly that.

Although for some reason, a reason that Magnus has failed to tell me about. He doesn't seem all too keen to do anything in the living-room, although he did say it would be different if I ever moved in. Maybe he will finally tell me what happened.

"Darling? I have managed to empty the boxes where they need to go, all bar this one that you won't let anyone touch." Magnus strolls barefooted into the living-room. He is standing in what must be my shirt and a pair of soft leggings, in his hands is the familiar box filled with the small, probably unimportant things, that Magnus returned to me when we broke up.

I glare sadly at the box before letting my body fall to sit on the fluffy purple rug that lays in front of Magnus' fireplace. "Yeah- I don't know what's in there, I never looked," I say to him as I watch him walk over to join me.

Before he sits down, he leans over to grab another log from the small pile he has next to the fire, he places it into the flames, making sure they stay large and warm.

Once he was happy that the flames were going to stay. Magnus allows himself to sit on the rug, so close to me that his crossed legs rest on mine, the box was placed on both of our laps. "Why don't you know what's in it?" He asks, reaching to tear off the tape that was holding it closed. "Who packed it?" He asks.

I rest my hands on him, stopping him from opening it. "You did," I tell him.

He looks at me with a quizzical look on his face. "I did? When?" He asks before looking back down at the box. He looks down at the product pictured on the side of the box, it was probably something that he had delivered to himself and he just recycled it. His eyes seem to recognize something on it as his eyes flash back up to mine.

"About a year and five months ago," I say once he begins to put the pieces together.

His eyes flick back and forth to the box then to me until his eyes snap open wide and settle on me. "You- you never opened this?" He asks. "But it's all your stuff..." Magnus moves his hands to come frame my face.

I look at him sadly. "I didn't see it that way...I just kind of saw it as the end of us, all the things that had a home with you-" I stop there, looking down to look at the box. "It's silly. I just didn't want to look in it so I hid it."

A small whine escapes Magnus, making me look back up.

"Baby-I'm so sorry... I wish I knew all of this, well... I wish I'd never done it in the first place." He leans forward until our foreheads touch. "No matter what happens now, you and your things will always have a home with me." He promises, leaning back just far enough to kiss my forehead before resting his head there again.

I nod my head softly. "You are my home, Magnus," I admit, opening my eyes to look at him. "Ever since I met you... you have been my home." I rest my hands on his waist.

Magnus pulls back to look at me. His eyes are warm and the look on his face tells me that he want's to say something important. "I feel the same way and..." He pulls back suddenly, getting up on his feet and running to the corner of the room where his work bag lies. He digs around in it for a moment before pulling something out and stuffing it into his pocket.

Once he deems it safely away he comes back over to me, sitting back where he was a moment ago. He smiles brightly and takes my hands.

"I feel the same way, Alexander. You are my home too, you are my everything and I'm so sorry that I caused you pain whilst I took my time seeing that." Magnus strokes his thumbs across the back of my hands.

I shake my head. "Please let's not focus on that." I close my eyes, trying to fight off the memories. Sometimes if I think about it too long, I would have a panic attack and pass out.

"Okay darling, I know that it's in the past that's why I want to ask you something about our future together." I open my eyes after he says this.

"What?"

Magnus smiles softly before one of his hands come up to touch my cheek. "I love you. I really do love you and I know that sometimes it's hard for you to see that so I'm hoping that this will show you how much I mean it, and how much I am ready to spend my life with you." Magnus reaches into his pocket.

I follow his hand as he brings out a small velvet box.

What is that-

"Holy shi-" I gasp out, my hand automatically tightening on his.

"I know that this might be too early, considering all that we have been through... but I see it as the best thing I could do to show you how much I love you." Magnus looks me dead in the eye. "Our small time apart showed me just how much I can't live without you, no one will ever match you, no one could ever replace you... Alexander, you are my first when it comes to everything important." He opens the box. "We don't have to do it for years if you don't want to, but I hope this shows you just how serious I am when I say I love you." He moves his hand from mine, in order to pluck the simple silver band from the box, as he holds it up higher, I can see the letter M engraved into the metal. "Alexander Lightwood, will you please be mine forever and marry me?" I could see Magnus shaking as he asks, even his voice shook.

I move my eyes up to his, I can see the panic, fea, and hopefulness that shines in them.

"I- yes," I say a little breathlessly.

Magnus cocks his head to the side. "Huh?"

I laugh at him, before launching myself the small distance until I am pressing a fierce kiss to his lips. His surprised hands come to wrap around my neck as he returns the surprised kiss automatically.

I pull away after a moment when I decided that the pain in my lungs was worth solving, taking deep breaths and looking into Magnus' eyes. "Yes. I want to marry you." I answer again.

Magnus' eyes start to shine a little bit with tears before he pulls back with a small sob laugh, in order to grab my hand. He holds my shaky hand still as he slips the ring onto my finger. "I love you so much, Alexander." Magnus leans down to press a kiss over where the ring sits.

I pull him into a hug. "I love you too," I whisper into his neck.

Right in this moment, it was the easiest time I have ever believed Magnus when he says he loves me. It was so easy for me to say it back and there was still no lingering doubt, the same doubt that Noah planted into my head when he said I would never deserve any of this.

I know now that he is wrong.

Magnus and I were meant to be together, no matter what challenges we have faced up until now. We did love each other, even more so now that we had to fight for it.

But this moment here, fresh in my engagement to Magnus, made all the pain I have gone through, so fucking worth it.

I am finally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Tumblr user-Itsnothinghere who gave me the prompt. 
> 
> If anyone else wants to get in contact here is my Tumblr- https://www.tumblr.com/blog/marvelouswinchester


End file.
